My Night With Madonna

Yeah, I hung out with Madonna - no biggie. What? You mean, you never spent a night singing and dancing with a musical icon? Really? Ha ha! I am so much cooler than you. Madge and I are totally like BFFs now, seriously. Okay, so I exaggerate... a little. But I did get to hang out with her... even though she didn't know I was there!

The day started out like any other, except I wasn't in Beirut, but Dubai. Some people may confuse the two cities together, because they're both in the Middle East and they both have Arabic as their official language, but one is hot and desert like with nice shiny buildings and laws that people actually follow; the other is Beirut. I had planned on going to the Madonna concert in Abu Dhabi as soon as her MDNA tour was announced. Why she chose not to come to Beirut is beyond me! I guess she didn't read about all the amazing protest/road block parties that we throw.

Anyhoo, so it was to Dubai I went, even though I really detest rock concerts. The last one I went to was like 10 years ago when Alanis Morissette came to Beirut. It was so unorganized and I was so exhausted after waiting in the sun for hours for her to finally show up, I vowed never to attend another concert again, with four exceptions: 1. U2; 2. Aerosmith; 3. Rolling Stones; and 4. Madonna. I had been to other concerts that weren't so bad before I moved to Lebanon, like Bryan Adams (remember, this was the 90s and he was big then), Hootie and the Blowfish (again, it was the 90s), Dave Matthews and Live (which was pretty awesome). I am definitely not going to remind you of the MC Hammer concert I went to (that Vanilla Ice opened for) and I am definitely not going to reveal to you that I went to an Amy Grant concert. Oh crap.

Now back to Madonna. When I found out someone from my list was performing nearby, I had no choice but to go. It was on my list, people. I decided to brave the crowds, the heat, the waiting in line and the less than hygienic bathroom situation. I stayed with the delightful Ms Sweetie Pie and we drove from Dubai to Abu Dhabi for the concert together with two of her friends, one of whom wanted to be at the venue at 5.30pm even though the concert was supposed to start at 8pm, and we heard the night before that Her Royal Madgesty didn't show up until 10.45pm.

The morning of, Sweetie Pie and I read reviews of the concert and they were not exactly stellar. The two hour wait did not earn Madonna any Brownie points with the audience. (Maybe it had something to do with the 40 degree weather - just a hunch!!) We also read that the way the stage was designed, like a triangle, only those lucky enough to win a lottery to stand within the triangle (called the Golden Triangle) really got a good view of the show, even if you had the good tickets, which we did. So on the way there, Sweetie Pie and I were joking about who we'd choose if either of us won the lottery - only like 50 people were chosen, and they each got to bring a guest.

We met up with SP's friends and we decided that if I won, I'd choose SP and vice versa, and her two other friends would choose each other. (Yeah, we're Lebanese and yeah we worked things out without having to burn tires.) So, SP read that the lottery starts at 6.15, and on the dot, this chick comes out holding an iPad and asks people in line to press a button - you win you get a green wristband that says Golden Triangle and get to be right next to the stage. I could feel the tension in the crowd as she went from person to person. There were some pretty desperate fans in line, decked out in Madonna gear from head to toe, even the guys. It was not a good look for any of them.

When iPad lady approached me, I was totally cool and nonchalant. I was so like whatevs, I don't care, I'll press your stupid iPad button, so not a big deal, whatever, so what and... WHAT?? HOLY COW!! I FREAKIN' WON! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?!?! ME?? I WON? I WON. I WON!!! My cool demeanor was totally out the window. I jumped up and down squealing like a moron, as if I were on the Ellen Show and she just gave me a check for $10,000 from JC Penny... and then told me I won a new car... and then told me Michael Fassbender was in the passenger seat.

It. Was. Awesome. Madonna, you made us wait for nearly two hours, but when you finally came out, you gave one hell of a performance - you definitely still got it! So, even though you are not Michael Fassbender, you were totally worth it!

Live From Dubai ...

Last week, I went to Dubai for five days and had the best time. I marveled at how the people of Dubai took a pile of sand and made it into a metropolis and how the paradisaical Lebanon has been turned into a pile of crap, with rivers running red with pollution (literally). It made me sad. Before I went, I read an article in - I think - The Guardian, in which the writer completely trashed Dubai. I know the city has problems, like London is perfect. And hello, has he ever been to Beirut?

Yes, there is a lot of room for improvement from a social welfare, ecological point of view, but as a whole, they have done a truly remarkable job. Dubai actually reminds me of that ugly girl in high school who still managed to get all the attention from the cute boys because she basically made the best of what God gave her. Just substitute makeup, hair dos, a nose job, fancy clothes with high rises, high rises and more high rises spread across a terrain dotted with imported grass. That is Dubai. They did the best with what God gave them: a whole lot of sand, a few camels and just a wee bit of oil.

In contrast, in Lebanon, we had it all. Natural grass, beautiful mountains, a glorious sea and a talent/intellect pool that Dubai does its best to woo over to their side. What did we do with it? For starters, we dug deep nasty holes into the mountains. We polluted the sea and rivers to no end, killing all the sea life, and we made our air practically unbreathable with chemical emissions coming from cars and factories. As for the brains, well Lebanon is officially drained. Because they're smart and they could, the majority left to where they can actually make a living and support their families. What are we left with? Just check out the Lebanese politicians. Enough said.

We should thank them for what they have given us so far: a mess. Are they too busy blaming each other and stealing from us that they haven't noticed that our country is in a shambles? Or maybe they have noticed but couldn't care less because their pockets are full and are still getting fuller. I wonder what do they do all day long? Think of more ways to screw us over, the people they're meant to serve? If that's the case, they are doing an excellent job.

They are completely blind to what we need. I want to be able to walk down Hamra Street without being scared that assholes on mopeds will rob me. I want criminals to be put in jail and not released because they are connected with some political party. I want to breathe clean air. I want to swim in a sea that won't make me sick. I WANT 24HR ELECTRICITY!! I want to be able to afford to pay for electricity ... and water, and gas, and my phone bill and my own home. It would be nice to be able to buy a new car without paying 40% its value in tax. It would be nice to get government things done without having to bribe people for doing their job. It would be nice to wake up in the morning and not be worried that today, we could be dragged into a war. Yes, it would be nice.

What I don't want is to hear the same politicians blabbering about how everything is not their fault, even though they are the government, and news flash: YES, IT IS YOUR FAULT. If you can't make the changes we so desperately need, who can? Here's a clue: it's not Casper the Friendly Ghost, Peter Pan or Elvis Presley, because the first two don't exist and the third is dead.