UnBreaking Bad

So, I've been binge watching Breaking Bad lately. I wanted to know what all the hype was about and be in on all the references and jokes, but mostly I just wanted people to think I was cool. I was really drawn into all the Walter White drama, but thought that what Lebanon needs is the complete opposite - basically to unbreak bad. We've become so jaded over the years that no one is nice anymore. I know it sounds trivial, but for some time now, I've noticed that many Lebanese have lost their goodwill and manners are a thing of the past. I know, I know, you're thinking, Anissa, you really expect fighters in say Tripoli to take time in between trying to blow each others' heads off and say, 'Yo, thank you for missing a major artery', or 'please don't aim at the heart'? But you know what? Perhaps if we were kinder to one another, such conflicts would be less the norm nowadays.

For example, I have been going to the same gym for about eight months now. No one, and I mean absolutely no one, says 'hello'. But the thing that irritates me the most is the parking attendants at the cashier window. Every time I pull up, I greet whoever is on duty and all I have gotten in return are Walter White death stares. So, I made it my goal to get them to say hello back. I can't explain why, but it just became so important, like if I could get them to be polite, then maybe it was a sign that there is hope for Lebanon. I had like this Rocky moment, but instead of 'Eye of the Tiger', Katy Perry's 'Roar' was playing in my imaginary mission montage. I was gonna do it, whatever it took, Parking Attendant the Elder and Parking Attendant the Younger (they don't wear name tags) were going to acknowledge my 'hellos' and 'thank yous' dammit.

I explained my admirable goal to MadGlam and she said, 'Maybe they don't respond because you talk in English. Say it in Arabic.' Aha! That must be the reason, I thought. So the next day, I said, 'marhaba' and 'shukran'. Walter you-stole-my-meth White eyeballing was the response. 'Okay, maybe they think you're a peasant or something. Say it in French,' MadGlam advised again. (She has the answer for everything, as long as you don't ask her to name a song title.) So I tried the 'bonjour/ merci' route and got Walter I-am-the-danger White in return. (Anyone else getting that I am really into Breaking Bad?)

Then one fine day, after six months at the gym, I pulled up to the window and Parking Attendant the Younger was on duty. I said, 'hello' and miracle of all miracles, HE SAID HELLO BACK. I was so stunned that when he handed me back the ticket, his arm dangled out his window for a good 30 seconds before I noticed and took it from his hand. I felt victorious, but my mission was not yet complete. Parking Attendant the Elder was still holding out. He became my Everest.

Until last week. Oh my god! Eight months of unrelenting politeness in return for eight months of Walter shut-up-Skylar White evil eyes, and Parking Attendant the Elder finally, finally, caved in and said 'hello'. 'That's right, b**ch!' I shouted back triumphantly in my best Jesse Pinkman. Okay, not really.

But long story short: Mission accomplished; Everest climbed. Please acknowledge my awesomeness. Thank you.

Bitchy Village Bumpkins

Dear readers, I have to relay to you this unbelievable story of rudeness. Yes, I'm still stuck in the mountains, yes the roosters are still demented and yes, everything is still not working. But that's not what this blog entry is about. Oh no! It's about village bumpkin bitches! Yes, Cruella de Vil lives and, unfortunately, it's nearby!!

Just the other day, we were invited (or perhaps not, you never can tell in the mountains) to a village function. Apparently, my sisters and I are known as the village snobs because no one sees us anywhere (HELLO, THERE IS NO WHERE TO GO). Anyway, we decided to go and since it was a cocktail affair, I knew there was no risk of me being seated with five-year olds just because I'm single.

When we arrived, we said hello to everybody and all were polite ... except for one hideous being who is so far removed from civility, it's a wonder anyone would invite her peasant ass to mingle with genteel society. When introduced to my sisters and I, she looked straight at me and said that I look like this woman in the village who is famous for being hideously ugly! I mean, I don't expect to be compared to a supermodel or anything, but to a complete dog biscuit? WHO DOES THAT?? I thought being told I had gained weight or had fat thighs was bad enough, but this?? This was just about the worst insult ever.

I was stunned into silence, a million things to say back running through my head, but not one I could form into a coherent sentence. Don't you hate it when someone says something completely awful to you and you're so shocked, you can't think of a thing to say in return? I knew she said the comment out of pure spite because she is rather revolting looking (being generous with that description) and her husband (who is a known philanderer with a mistress that actually lives in the same village) was more than eager to leave her side and come introduce himself to us, but that is no excuse for such rude behavior.

Although I was struck mute by her venom, my sister rushed to my defense, taking me back in time to our days on the playground when she would always strike any bully that dared upset me in any way. She told the bitch that she was wrong and that I look nothing like that notoriously unattractive woman. But still, it didn't seem enough. I wanted to hurl equally hurtful insults at her, but just then, a friend of ours who we hadn't seen in years came over and the conversation with the peasant bitch was cut short.

I was not appeased. I just don't understand people. Why go out of your way to offend someone you don't even know; someone you literally just met? And why, oh why would she think it okay, under any circumstances, to show up to a formal event in cycling shorts? I mean okay, we're in the village, but does that mean that manners and any semblance of fashion sense should be completely discarded?

Next time she is lucky enough to be invited anywhere, she should go through a checklist: 1) Get some manners (no, 'class' is not just a cell phone shop, but is actually a human quality); 2) Don't look like clothes were bought from Homeless Bums R US. Seriously, I don't know what was more offensive - her distasteful remark or her hideous outfit!

And exciting life in the mountains continues ...

I'm One Of Yous Now!

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned. It has been over two weeks since my last blog entry - a grave offense in the blogosphere! What can I say? I had a really packed and busy two weeks. I was drained - all creativity sapped from my psyche. But now my batteries have been recharged and I'm back! Okay, so without further ado, let's get to this week's entry ...

Last week, in the midst of one of my most stressful deadlines of all time, my phone decided to die on me. A little over a year old, I was surprised that the thing didn't last longer. And the timing, the timing!! Anyway, I could not be without a phone so I decided to go the next day and get a new one. I have for the longest time been refusing to join the CrackBerry world, but in my weakened, vulnerable state, I succumbed to peer pressure. Miss HotStuff and Mr. US have one, not to my mention MFFF and Mr. B, all of whom have been telling me, 'You gotta get a BlackBerry.' And so I did - I know, bakeer, right?

Since everyone and their mother has one, it's not like the BlackBerry world is exclusive or anything, but it sure is fun! My favorite thing so far? As a self-proclaimed MSN addict it should come as no surprise that it's BlackBerry Messenger! And the icing on the cake? IT'S FREE from one BB to another! And since MMS doesn't work in Lebanon (among a trillion other things) the fact that we can also send pics to each other is also very cool.

But as with all delightful inventions, BB also has a dark side. I'm still trying to get the knack of the whole BB etiquette thing, and I've made one major blunder so far (and it's only been a week!). I was out with Mr US, MadGlam, Mr B and co. when Mr. Borrring showed up. I was so excited about my new toy that when he asked about Miss HotStuff, I decided to whip out a ... well, let's just say not very flattering photo she BBMed me when she was under the weather and bored. It was supposed to remain between us (get your minds out of the gutter, nothing naughty!) but I, being completely clueless, showed it to Mr. Borrring. BIG MISTAKE! I thought it was funny, but to Miss HotStuff, showing it to Mr. Borrring was a huge breach of BB etiquette.

Mr. Borrring did not make things any better by immediately BBMing Miss HotStuff and telling her that he saw her photo and it was nasty! THANKS MR. BORRRRING! Her rage was swift and merciless. I had already left Mr. Borrring and was on my way to another venue when I heard the delightful 'ping' that let's me know I have a BBM. 'Yes,' I said, 'somebody loves me!' HAH! Let me tell you, I got anythng but love. What ensued was a rant about how  thoughtless and terrible I was to have shown that picture! Miss HotStuff was livid with anger, which she surprisingly expressed pretty well considering the limited capacity of BBM.

Needless to say, I felt like crap. My new shiny toy had turned into an instrument of guilt and shame. Why oh why had I done that?? I was feeling down, my excitement over my new BB subdued by my bad BB behavior. But just as I began regretting my purchase, I heard it ... 'ping'. My eyes lit up, my excitement began to stir again. I picked up my phone, clicked and my joy returned. 'Yes! Somebody does loves me!'

Tales from the Ladies, Part III: Unibrow Ape Man

And now we come to the third and final installment of Tales from the Ladies, with this letter from the delightful Pixie Minxie, who was traumatized after a particularly horrific evening with Unibrow Ape Man. This one's a doozy, readers. Poor Pixie - who knew guys could be this bad?!?

Dear Anissa,

It all started when this guy, Unibrow Ape Man, asked me out for a coffee. I agreed so he then asked if I wanted to meet up with him or have him pick me up. I told him I’d meet him, but he insisted on getting me (why did he offer if he had already made up his mind?). Anyway, my house is on the left side of the street and when he picked me up, he pulled over on the right. As I was walking down the stairs to the street, I saw his ugly ass still sitting in the car. I had to wait for cars to pass before I was able to cross the street. When I did, he was still sitting in the car.

I have to mention that I don’t really know this guy and had only met him once before, so I couldn’t believe that he didn’t get out of the car to greet me. Anyway, I opened the car door and sat down and he didn’t even shake my hand! He had his right hand on the wheel and the left hand outside the window and asked, “Hi, how are you?” I answered fine, but I was so pissed that he didn’t get out of the car to greet me properly. WALAW?

We drove to a restaurant in Gemayze, which was my idea because he didn’t bother to make any plans for our first date. I ordered a tea and he ordered coffee and dessert. The WHOLE time he was telling me how great he was because he was almost done with his residency to be a doctor. Then he went on and on about how all the girls who ‘know’ of him only want to meet him to get married because he’s a doctor. As he was shoving his dessert in his mouth, he kept telling me how delicious it was. Did he offer me a taste? Of course not! He just kept telling me how amazing it was and how amazing HE was.

To add to my misery, he went on to tell me that he doesn’t want to marry me. I was pretty sure I never asked him to, so I kind of laughed thinking he was kidding. He told me he was serious and that just because I was the same religion as him, and he was a DOCTOR, he wasn’t ready to settle down. I told him that was completely fine with me and I had no intentions of getting married to him either. At this point, I was completely over the whole date and wanted to leave just to go home and make fun of him. After he paid the bill, I thanked him, and as I was putting my cell in my purse, he was already out the door! The waiter felt bad for me I guess and stuck around to say bye and walk me out the door.

When we got in the car he started telling me that he really liked me and I was really pretty and then told me he had a girlfriend. Of course, upon hearing that, I couldn’t be polite and quiet anymore. I looked at him like the pathetic loser he was and asked him why he bothered to take me out. He told me that he wanted to get to know me better and not pass up a good opportunity but he didn’t wanna get married. At this point, I'd had enough. I bluntly told him that being a doctor isn’t so wow considering I have a family FULL of them. I then went on to tell him that he shouldn’t flatter himself when girls ‘of his religion’ give him the time of day because it doesn’t mean they want to get married. Not every Lebanese girl above the age of 25 is desperate to get married for God’s sake!

I then told him that I sure as hell didn’t see him and think I was going to marry him because A) he’s ugly with a unibrow that’s makes a complete circle around his big head; B) he has NO manners and C) he’s a complete APE! As if!!

When we were approaching my house (yeah I’m not done yet), I started to rummage through my purse to get my keys out because I wanted to get the hell out of the car. He passed my building and kept driving, so I asked him what he was doing. He said he wanted to cruise a bit because he was ‘enjoying’ my company. Ugh! He asked me if I minded and I said yes! What was the point of talking to him? The date was over and we had nothing in common.

Now here’s the funniest part. As we are cruising around Beirut, he tells me that after he drops me off, we will never talk again because we will never be friends! I started laughing, truly laughing. Without me even asking why, he told me that he can’t be friends because I was the same religion as him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said that was fine with me and not being friends sounded great! He then tried to explain himself with reasons that I didn’t even pay attention to. I was literally looking outside the window at the people smoking argilli on the manara wishing I was with them rather than in the car with this jerk.

After over an hour of driving around and wanting to kill myself, I asked to go home. Of course, he parked on the right side of the road and didn’t bother to move his nasty ass from the car. Handshake? Nope! I got out of the car and traffic was a bit heavy, so I had to stand out there till the traffic lessened. What was about 20 seconds waiting to cross felt like a fraking hour! I crossed the road finally and started walking up the stairs of my building and as I looked behind to see if Unibrow Ape Man was still there, I saw that he had already driven off!!

I was so disgusted I came home and made fun of him to allllll the people I know. That was BY FAR the worst, most torturous date EVER!

Ahhh dear, Minxie, don't fret! Who knows, maybe someone will call animal control and get this ape back in the zoo where he most definitely belongs!!

And now that our tales are over, I'll see you next time, when the Blog that No One reads returns to its old, delicious ways. Until then, you know you love me, XOXO, Blogger Girl!

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

The other day I was shocked to find myself talking to a Lebanese male who actually reads ... as in books. Anyway, he asked me what I like to read and as I began to list my faves, he arrogantly interrupted me, saying, "Please don't tell me you're into that whole vampire crap." Okay, well, I wasn't going to mention those books because I've already read them ... all ... but after his whole condescending tone I found myself a little bit peeved and so I replied, indignant and proud, "Actually, I do love those books. I know you guys don't get why we women are so into the whole Twilight and True Blood stuff, so allow me to explain: sometimes fake vampires are just so much better than real life men." I then began to list the ways...

1. Grooming
Vamps: In the Twilight and True Blood books the vamp heroes (Edward and Eric, respectively) are beyond hot, especially Eric (MadGlam can totally back me up on this one). In short, they are perfect looking, with Edward not only having great hair but also irresistible breath and Eric having a towering Viking bod that would make lesbians drool.

Real dudes: Well, I know I'm no Gisele and so when I'm at the gym or beach, I don't really expect to see a real life guy that has a killer bod, but hello, at minimum if your back makes you look more like a werewolf than a human, then WAX IT. No, taking a shower and wearing deodorant is not enough! It really irks me that most guys in this country take no time to groom themselves when we women are expected to look flawless at all times. From unibrows to hairy backs, we've got it all, which is why we'd rather get our hunk fix from out of a book than in real life.

                        I 'll take this           ...          Over that!

2. Manners

Vamps: They're suave, sophisticated, attentive and charming. What more could a girl ask for? When Edward and Eric love, they love hard and make us sigh dreamily with every romantic gesture. Who could blame a gal for swooning at Edward's undying love for his beloved? And Eric - well he is just so damn hot! 

Real dudes: Some friends wanted to introduce me to a guy that they described as every bit as fantastic as a hunky vamp, so I agreed to yet another setup (because I never follow my own advice). Anyway, as you probably already guessed if you read my blind date blog, he was, unsurprisingly, a total troll. But that wasn't the main problem with this guy, he was so completely rude, so completely the opposite of a gentleman that right in front of me he asked his pal about this busty blonde at the table behind us! Did I mention that he looked like a troll? Yeah, you see, Edward would never do that!

3. Attitude

Vamps: Edward is a total gem - he is moral, honorable and respectful, and treats his lady love like a jewel. In fact, his attitude could not be more admirable. Now when it comes Eric ... okay, admittedly he does have a little bit of an attitude problem, but who cares? He is just so damn hot! So unless your over 6 ft., blond and completely ripped with Viking roots, don't think you can get away with the same antics. 

Real dudes: In Lebanon, because there are hardly any single men left, most guys think they can get away with completely abominable behavior, like not calling when the say they will, standing you up for a soccer match on TV, or trying to convince you that getting a massage with a happy ending is totally ok.

Now do you see why we find vampires so much more appealing than what real life has to offer? It's just like the Rolling Stones said, I just can't get no satisfaction!

Beauty Salon Bitches

Yes, yes,  I know... I am absolutely the worst blogger ever, which is why this is the blog that no one reads. And how can I blame readers out there?? I have not updated my blog for three whole weeks! Oh, mon dieu! In blogger time, that's like 50 years. My blog is so neglected that it's begining to mold! The reason for my inexusable lapse in writing is a tortuous job I was working on that depleted my soul of any ability to write creatively. Yes, it was that bad. But, on Friday, I finally finished with it - WOHOO! - for good and now I can get back to life as I know it.

Speaking of life as I know it, the other day I went to get my hair done (even though I was busy with work, as every Lebanese gal knows, there must always be time for grooming, no matter what!) and after 14 years living in this country, it never ceases to amaze me how annoying beauty salon bitches can be. I had actually taken an appointment - you know, when you call ahead of time and make sure the hairdresser can take you at a specific time - and I arrived right on time - a concept foreign to most Lebanese. Anyway, I get there and the salon is an aboslute mad house. A lot of foreigners were in town, still on holiday, and as if it wasn't bad enough that they can't drive worth a damn and cause the worst traffic jams ever, they also think that the Lebanese should cater to their every whim, because naturally, the world revolves around them.

My hairstylist was very apologetic and said he would get to me as soon as possible. I'm not the pushy type, so I told him not to worry about it and took a seat in the waiting room and patiently waited my turn. Have you ever noticed that at the hair salon, nearly every woman has like this emergency situation so that they need to get their hair done right away because they are so much more important than everyone else and, naturally, too good to wait? They march in with their fake boobs and fake lips, wearing outfits more appropriate for their grandchildren and wail, 'Dakheelak ya ______, lazim itruk ba'ad sa'ah, a'ndee mow'ad.' Yeah, if that's the case then MAKE A BLOODY APPOINTMENT.

Anyway ... I waited 45 minutes and finally went in to get my hair done, which brings me to my next beauty salon rant. Why, oh why, do they allow women to smoke at the hairdresser? Is there anything more annoying than getting your hair washed and blow dried, only to have some vulgar cow sitting next to you blowing smoke into your freshly styled locks??

Oufft! These beauty salon bitches bring new meaning to the word 'inconsiderate.' Hmmm, sounds like they need to pick up a copy of my book and read chapter 13 on minding manners for a refresher course on how to be polite!