The Good Ones are Always Married or Gay!

The other day I was off to a meeting with someone for the first time and during such occasions, I usually like to make a good first impression and do my best to dress nicely and fix myself up. Anyway, that day I wasn't feeling too great and not really in the mood, so I decided to leave out the mascara, put on some comfortable jeans and although I did wear a nice sweater, without the good bra, I might as well have been wearing a maternity outfit. Of course, on the day I chose to dress down, the guy I was meeting with had to be damn cute! I cursed myself for not attending to my lashes and could hear Victoria's Secret in my head saying, 'I told you so!'

Well, I was disappointed for all of two minutes because then I noticed the wedding ring and even though the guy was cute, and smart and charming and kind, he was now Handsome Unavailable Man (I was first going for cute unavailable man, but I hope I don't have to spell out the problems with that acronym!). So as it turned out, alls well that ends well.

All that got me thinking about where nice girls are supposed to meet nice guys. I wrote a chapter about this in my book, because we really don't have the same options as other Western countries, mainly because 99.9% of the guys have left the country. Well, we have bars, but let's be honest, when's the last time you were hit on by a nice guy at a bar? I'm not talking about guys you were introduced to by friends and you happened to be at a bar, I mean total stranger sleaze bags who come up to you with their smarmy come ons. It's always like, "Hello, I like your clotheyz, I hope I can see you for many montheyz, maybe on your birssday. Thanks for you." (Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Lebanese accents, but it gets on my nerves when they transform one syllable words into two syllables. Okay, I just heard the collective groan of everyone who ever had to hear me speak Arabic and mispronounce 98.7% of all the words, so I'll just shut up now. Thanks for you.)

So, other than meeting guys at meetings and through friends, you can also meet them at places that you regularly frequent. That's how I met Bumped Into Guy (oooh, a completely unintentional Sex and the City reference; really, not trying to be a Carrie, always thought of myself as more of a Charlotte). I kept running into BIG at the same place and at first did not like him at all because he was talking politics and let's just say we disagreed. Anyhow, later that night, I dreamt that I saw him wearing a Hawaiian shirt, which convinced me that not only was he a jerk, but also a dork.

(I have to break from that story for a minute to explain that it used to take me a while to be friendly to people I just met and my shyness was often perceived as being snobby. So, one of my dearest friends, MadGlam, for years was trying to work with me on my apparent Ice Queen persona. She ever so gently broached the subject, completely sensitive to my feelings and such, saying, "Anissa, people don't like you when they first meet you. They think you're cold and a snot bag." "Whaaaaaat?? What do you mean? I'm delightful and charming!" I replied indignantly. "Yeah, I guess, if by delightful you mean aloof and charming you mean that you act like you have a giant stick up your ass." Okay, I guess I was one of those, 'to know me is to love me kind of people.' But I decided to change toute suite!)

Taking those kind words into consideration, I decided to be nice to BIG since having his own political views was his right and he didn't even wear the Hawaiian shirt in real life, so I could hardly hold a dream against him. Over the course of the next few weeks, I was very friendly and charming and he asked for my number. In typical male fashion, though, he did not call. But, I still run into BIG all the time and he is still all flirty and complimentary, etc, etc, hinting that we should meet up, but never actually growing a pair and asking. Anyway, I suddenly thought about it and now realize why BIG has never called. It is so obvious, so clear, so blatantly in front of my eyes. The Hawaiian shirt dream was an omen, a sign, meaning of course that … BIG is gay (not that there's anything wrong with that)!

Well, despite all the HUMs and gay BIGs (hey, that's my story, and I'm sticking with it), I'm still sure that Cute Available Guy is out there somewhere, and hopefully when I meet him, my lashes will look their best and other parts of me will be bolstered up appropriately!

How I discovered that George Clooney is NOT in love with me

Yes, it's been over a week since my last entry and I'm feeling like the absolute worst blogger ever. But, in my defense, I have been ill ... yet again! I caught a debilitating virus that left me bed ridden for five days - fun stuff! Anyway, now on to today's exhilarating entry: secret admirers. Oooohhhhhh ...

So, last week, I got this sms that I have a secret admirer - I know, I know, everyone's been getting them. But, I decided to check the whole thing out, investigative journalism style, so that I could properly expose the scam to you, my dear readers. For those of you not in the know, an sms has been going around that the recipient has a secret admirer. To get your special message, though, you have to send an sms to a provided number. My 'secret admirer' message was in French - the first clue that the whole thing is bogus, because anyone who knows me even remotely, would never, ever, send me a message in French. Anyway, it read something like, 'I really like you, but I'm too intimidated to approach you.' Flashbacks of grade school and the crushes of 12 year olds sprang to mind, but I persevered!

The message then says that it will give you the name of your so-called admirer if you send yet another sms to the same number. I did so (only because our dear minister of telecom has reduced sms rates to $0.10, otherwise this experiment would never have happened. So, thanks Gebran!). I received another message, saying, shocker of all shockers, that my secret admirer wishes to remain anonymous, but if I send in the name of who I think it could be, it will tell me whether I'm right or wrong. So, I typed in a name, and guess what folks ... ? That's how I discovered that George Clooney is not secretly in love with me!

Although entirely possible, George is not in love with me

Devastated as I was, the experiment was not yet over. My sister, who also received a secret admirer sms, did the same thing at my -- annoying? -- insistence, just to see if we would get the exact same message. Well, hers was in English, but she was as equally heartbroken to learn that Edward Cullen was not secretly pining away over her!

So there you have it folks! Our brilliant detective work was so brilliant, in fact, that I feel like this could be an Emmy award winning segment on 60 Minutes. And thanks to the amazing investigative team of Rafeh & Rafeh (aka Anissa and Nadya) we have not only managed to uncover the truth for you, but have also saved you from those moments when you think, 'Well maybe I could have a secret admirer,' but you don't want to be that loser that sent in the sms hoping to find true love, only to realize that you actually fell for a gimmick. Yes, you owe us big time (feel free to thank us ad nauseam!).

Disclaimer: This experiment is in no way an indication of loserish behavior, since it was carried out with the full knowledge that it was a hoax and done for the sole purpose of providing hardcore proof of its bogus nature.

Only males need apply

The time has come for me to renew my yearly gym membership, so I have been exploring my options and checking out a bunch of other gyms. But, after visiting pretty much every viable health establishment in my area, I have come to the conclusion that where I'm at now is the best option for me. So, yesterday I asked for the new price list for this year and was really surprised at the major hike in membership prices. I took a closer look at the membership fees to see if I qualify for any of the reduced rates and, of course, as the average singleton, I get NONE.

I noticed a special corporate rate, one for college students, people who own a chalet or cabana on the gym's hotel premises and a day rate for those willing to come between 7am and 4pm. The one 'special deal' that really irked me, though, is the one for 'couples.' Why do they get a reduced membership rate?? I asked if I qualified for the rate if a female friend joined the gym with me, and the answer was no, it has to be a boyfriend or husband. 'How prejudiced,' I said, to which the admin guy replied, 'Well, why don't you get married?' Yes, because that seems to be the solution to every problem if you have the terrible misfortune of being single.

It's not enough that people in this country make singles feel bad on a daily basis - it's come to the point where you can't even take a sip of juice without hearing 'farahtik this' or 'akbalik that.' I suppose that the prospect of being happily single is a notion most Lebanese cannot fathom (it's about 4.45pm and I have already heard inshallah nufrah minik ya raab about a gazillion times). And now, to top it all off, we are being made to feel inadequate at the gym, of all places, simply because we don't have a significant other!

The difference between the 'couples' and 'singles' rate is not huge - just $20 a month - so it's not like it's going to make or break me. But, it's the principle of the matter! Why should I have to be with someone in order to get a discounted price? There should be one rate - a human being rate - that applies to ALL people, great or small, male or female, single or attached. So I say to the Movenpick gym - yes, I'm talking to you - show some respect for your single members. We are just as worthy of your special rates as anyone else, in my humble, albeit single, opinion.