Dancing in the Streets

In most civilized countries, etiquette experts give tips on how to throw the perfect soiree, from scrumptious hors d'oeuvres and elegant center pieces to the proper entertainment and dress code. In Lebanon, though, we like to shake things up a little. I mean, why throw a smashing party when you can organize a mass protest, complete with closing down streets and terrorizing people? That sounds way more fun, no? So, here it is, your guide to throwing the perfect protest, a la Libanaise.

1. Pick a cause: In Lebanon, we don't really care how pertinent a cause is to our country. In fact, any old excuse will do, so just pick something that pisses you off. I'm choosing the killing off of Lexie Grey on Grey's Anatomy. What were those producers thinking? How dare they? I bet they didn't know who they were messing with and I'm sure they're going to really care that there is a random protest in a random country that has absolutely no connection to the Grey's Anatomy writer's room at ABC Studios. This will make all the difference in the world, I just know it, and they'll be forced to bring her back! 

2. Location, location, location: So, the Airport Road is just so blasé these days. I mean just about everyone is choosing to throw their protest there. But please, I am so not a copycat. I am a total original (just ask the salesperson at H&M, who swore to me that no one else in the world bought the same clothes I did). So, I was thinking, where oh where should I choose? Then it came to me... like a bolt of lightening from the cloud of originality: block off any and all electronic/appliance stores that sell TVs so that people can no longer watch Grey's Anatomy. Brilliant, I know. That'll show those Hollywood bigheads. They will really feel the burn from way out here... in Lebanon... a country that is probably one of the most important in terms of global viewership. 

3. Decorations: Well, you really can't go wrong with burning tires and trash bins. I will not stoop so low as to buy the cheapito ones, though. I'm ready to go all out. I'm talking about either Goodyear or Micheline, people. That's right, the good stuff. I'm a classy dame and imagine the horror if, by some chance, a tire rolls over to some fashionable protestor and they happen to see 'Made in Taiwan' stamped on it. OMG! The shame, the shame. It'll be almost as bad as being caught with a fake Prada! As for the trash bins, you know what they say: 'if it ain't broke don't fix it,' so, I'll be sticking with the big green ones.

4. Party favors: Who doesn't like an old fashioned burning stick? It's the perfect way to say, thank you for coming to our protest and visiting our road block. Such a useful and thoughtful giveaway will also attract more people to my oh-so-worthy cause and send a clear message to TV producers around the world who are thinking of taking out any more of my favorite characters (yes, I'm talking to you HBO and the writers at Game of Thrones). And let's face it, party favors can either make or break a party, so make sure yours are made from the finest wood. If you're on a budget, stones are an adequate substitute - they last longer, but are not as pretty. Plus, you can't set them on fire. But beggars can't be choosers. Just make sure that your guests don't go home empty handed. Anjad a3yb.

5. Attire: Protests should always be dress casual. There are no exceptions to this rule, because basically things can get messy (in a good way!). Some people like to accessorize with a ski mask, but in my opinion that only makes the protestor look like a criminal, or someone who doesn't want to be recognized because they are doing something bad. But what could possibly be shameful about protesting over the loss of our dearly beloved Lexie Grey?!? Why do you need a mask when you are out there for such a good cause that is so meaningful and helpful to Lebanon? Exactly.

6. Food: So, the great thing about such a gathering is that you are not required to offer any food at all. Isn't that great? People are going to be so busy, what with all the tire burning and making sure that people can't get through the roadblock, that they're not going to have any time to stuff their faces with munchies, no matter how yummy. If you want to be a super host/hostess, you could provide water, which will go over nicely especially in the summer. But I recommend a simple BYOB, because at this point, you've done enough, so let the guests be in charge of their own hydration. 

That's about all I can tell you, folks. If you need any more helpful hints, just ask any one of our awesome political parties - I'm sure they'd be more than glad to help you out, because they are the experts after all!!

Driving Me Crazy

After a particularly arduous day on the road trying to navigate Beirut's - let's say unique - traffic system, I came home, as usual, in a really bad mood. We've all read the parodies on the hazards of driving in Lebanon, so I'm not going to go there. No, instead, this is my interpretation of what I think traffic signs in this country really mean!

Green=Go; Yellow=Go; Red=Eh, maybe

Green=Go; Red=We'll take our chances

Anything goes

LMFAO!!

Yeah, right!

Catch me if you can

TOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!

My car goes right here by this sign that says no parking

DO...NOT...COMPUTE

Just Do It!

Collective IQ of Lebanese politicians

Back to the Future

Hello dear readers, yes it's me, the world's worst blogger. I won't make any excuses for my late entry... again. But you know, I do have one. Okay, I will tell you... I have gone back to school and am auditing a class at a local university here in Beirut. I know, I know, it's only one class. One hour, twice a week and I can't even update my blog once? You have a point. But hellooooo, did I not just say that I'm the world's worst blogger? Also, I am working on my second novel (which you all better buy... if it ever gets published) and that is taking up most of my writing time. All right, moving along...

So, like I said, I have started auditing a class and I am so enjoying being a student again. It's like a Back to the Future movie, except I'm still my age (bah humbug!). I don't try to look like a student or anything - I'm 38, the jig is up. But I honestly don't feel 20 years older than everyone else. It doesn't seem like so long ago that I was one of them. But it was; I was a student in the 1990s. Biologically, I could have given birth to one of these kids. Arrhhhhhh, I'm starting to hyperventilate!!! I'll just stop now.

So has anything changed since I was in college? Well, unlike some of these kids, I never carried my books around in an oversized Louis Vuitton or Balenciaga. My dad would have burned my check book and shredded my credit card if I spent over $1,000 on a school bag. Then he would have disowned me.  I also still use the traditional pen and paper in class. Mainly because I find it a lot easier to take notes the old fashioned way. Also because I'm lazy and can't be bothered to lug a laptop around.

But everything else is the same. Except I think now I have better hair and better dress sense. I would go so far as to say wayyyy better dress sense. When I was a freshman, for example, all the good times were taken by the upperclassmen and I was stuck with an 8am class MWF, so I would go wearing pajamas. Seriously. Not kidding. My roommate literally rolled out of bed, put on shoes, shoved a stick of gum in her mouth and went to class. I was classy, I brushed my teeth.

By sophomore year, I was able to avoid 8am classes so I looked pretty decent for class to kind of redeem myself for freshman year. Unfortunately, I was totally into the grunge look. I - gulp - wore clogs! Oh, that was hard to admit. But it's true. I wore clogs. With socks in the winter.

I also wore things like this:

I was so proud of my flannel shirt collection. If only I had just admired Kurt Cobain's music. But nooooo, I had to copy off his wardrobe too.







And this is how I dealt with my hair most mornings:

Don't judge me - I was actually considered quite stylish back then.







I think female Lebanese students would have a heart attack if they wore what I wore when I was in college. Funnily enough, I was called a good dresser. One sorority sister told me that I looked like I stepped out of an episode of the original 90210. That was a huge compliment. I had a poster of Jason Priestly above my bed in my dorm room. Another girl in my dorm thought I was some spoilt snob because a lot of my clothes were from Benetton. Yes, you read right, Benetton. Apparently, it was the Marc Jacobs of my day.

Yes, it feels like yesterday that I was some teen with a backpack on my shoulders and a final paper on my mind. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror I think yeah, I could pass for a college student again, you know, if I overlook the gray hairs, ignore the wrinkles and squint really hard... from a distance... in the dark. Yep, I could totally be 18 again!  

Live From Dubai ...

Last week, I went to Dubai for five days and had the best time. I marveled at how the people of Dubai took a pile of sand and made it into a metropolis and how the paradisaical Lebanon has been turned into a pile of crap, with rivers running red with pollution (literally). It made me sad. Before I went, I read an article in - I think - The Guardian, in which the writer completely trashed Dubai. I know the city has problems, like London is perfect. And hello, has he ever been to Beirut?

Yes, there is a lot of room for improvement from a social welfare, ecological point of view, but as a whole, they have done a truly remarkable job. Dubai actually reminds me of that ugly girl in high school who still managed to get all the attention from the cute boys because she basically made the best of what God gave her. Just substitute makeup, hair dos, a nose job, fancy clothes with high rises, high rises and more high rises spread across a terrain dotted with imported grass. That is Dubai. They did the best with what God gave them: a whole lot of sand, a few camels and just a wee bit of oil.

In contrast, in Lebanon, we had it all. Natural grass, beautiful mountains, a glorious sea and a talent/intellect pool that Dubai does its best to woo over to their side. What did we do with it? For starters, we dug deep nasty holes into the mountains. We polluted the sea and rivers to no end, killing all the sea life, and we made our air practically unbreathable with chemical emissions coming from cars and factories. As for the brains, well Lebanon is officially drained. Because they're smart and they could, the majority left to where they can actually make a living and support their families. What are we left with? Just check out the Lebanese politicians. Enough said.

We should thank them for what they have given us so far: a mess. Are they too busy blaming each other and stealing from us that they haven't noticed that our country is in a shambles? Or maybe they have noticed but couldn't care less because their pockets are full and are still getting fuller. I wonder what do they do all day long? Think of more ways to screw us over, the people they're meant to serve? If that's the case, they are doing an excellent job.

They are completely blind to what we need. I want to be able to walk down Hamra Street without being scared that assholes on mopeds will rob me. I want criminals to be put in jail and not released because they are connected with some political party. I want to breathe clean air. I want to swim in a sea that won't make me sick. I WANT 24HR ELECTRICITY!! I want to be able to afford to pay for electricity ... and water, and gas, and my phone bill and my own home. It would be nice to be able to buy a new car without paying 40% its value in tax. It would be nice to get government things done without having to bribe people for doing their job. It would be nice to wake up in the morning and not be worried that today, we could be dragged into a war. Yes, it would be nice.

What I don't want is to hear the same politicians blabbering about how everything is not their fault, even though they are the government, and news flash: YES, IT IS YOUR FAULT. If you can't make the changes we so desperately need, who can? Here's a clue: it's not Casper the Friendly Ghost, Peter Pan or Elvis Presley, because the first two don't exist and the third is dead.

Sex, Lies and the Internet: Part II

As promised, here is part two of my 'expose' on online dating sites. Today we shall discuss the total perverts! I don't know, maybe you guys won't find the below so offensive. Maybe I'm a complete prude or just plain old fashioned. But honestly, I really don't know what these guys expected when they emailed me with this stuff. Seriously, my picture is about as seductive as one of Mother Theresa feeding the poor! But that doesn't seem to matter - my caption might as well have read "Don't need nothin' but a good time!"

So, here are a few of the messages, that I am literally copying and pasting. Oh, just to let you know, I am not using these morons' real handles. 

[NB: Please don't read on if you find stuff like this offensive.]

Perv1: Hey, did u know that women tend to reach the peak of sexuality in their mid 30's !!

Uhm, thanks for the sex ed PERFECT STRANGER who I've never met. Totally appropriate first email. Yes, totally appropriate.


Perv2: hey babe are u into bondage ?
Okay, first of all 'babe'??? Hellloooo, do I know you? NO! So, don't call me babe! And second, just a word of advice, do not send this kind of crap off the bat. It's a good idea to send an introductory message first, like: "Hey, my name is so and so. I like movies and going out to clubs and would love to hear back from you." If the girl responds, then you can try and see if she's into the same gross stuff as you by giving more details. For example, "I like (porno) movies and going out to (strip) clubs." 


Perv3: I think I want to force u into something else than clubbing. I am sure u'll love that.
I guess I should explain that I wrote in my profile that I'm not a big partier and usually go out 'by force' (yeah, that means you MadGlam!). So the above email serves me right, I suppose. 


Perv4: Ok, I can't copy/paste this one verbatim because this is not Penthouse. It was an email with descriptions of licking and sucking ... ending with "yep, that's how you eat an ice cream!" so you all can use your imagination. It is kind of funny if you take away the fact that I've never met the guy before, and slightly clever so we should give kudos to Perv4 for his originality at least. 

Perv5: What's the AR stand for. If what am thinking of applies on what's on ur mind ... I am  more than happy to share with u :)

So, I very cleverly included my initials as part of my online handle. Don't ask me why! So stupid. Anyway, that's the AR this dumbass is referring to. The rest, however, is beyond me. I must not be very well versed in my pervy vocabulary, because I cannot think what AR stands for. I mean maybe if it was one letter or the other, but both? I suppose if you were a complete pervert you could make any initials sound sexual. Maybe I'm missing something and AR is a total turn on. Maybe I should start using just my initials when I meet hot guys, so when he asks, "What's your name," I'll be like, "Aaaaaa Rrrrrrr, wink wink." Yep, I've got the whole seduction thing down pat, so thanks for the tip, Perv5!


Now we come to the worst one - this message literally made me blush, and it was so explicit that I can't include all of it. So here is a short excerpt. 
Perv6: listen i find ur lips and mouth and above all ur bright eyes extra special...u'll never ever find a man more gentle, [CENSORED], sensitive and always [CENSORED] for girls... i love all and everything about you girls...the smell of ur feet - i can cover them with heavy kisses even if smelly like after a long day in ur shoes and then lick them clean...ur soles r like a merry cream to me... then go on [CENSORED]
OMG!!! The rest of the email is like really, really graphic that I'm embarrassed for this guy. How can he send something like that? The funny thing is that as I was reading it, the first part about the smelly feet grossed me out so much more than the nasty sexual stuff further down. It is just so beyond gross. Who in their right mind wants to lick smelly feet! HOW IS THIS REMOTELY SEXY???????? EWWWWWWWWWW. I almost messaged this guy back just to say, "AYBBBB! Ya aybeshoum aleyk!" But then I remembered I'm not his mom. I also thought about telling him that at one point I thought he could have a future career as an erotica writer, UNTIL I REREAD THE PART ABOUT THE SMELLY FEET. EWWWWWWWWWW. 


As you can tell, this whole online dating thing has not been working out so well for me up until now. I've gotten 68 emails to date, and according to the 'matchmaking' expertise of this site, my best 'matches' so far are liars, perverts, or guys from Israel. Hmmmm, so my choices are feeling like I'm in a porno movie or being shot for treason? Great start.

Sex, Lies and the Internet

Recently, I was hounded, literally hounded, by ... well let's just call her Little Miss Bossy ... to sign up for an online dating site. She's been on my case forever about this issue, giving me the usual so-called pros: you have nothing to lose, you never know, increase your pool of acquaintances ... blah blah blah. Anyway, after a while, I thought, yeah why not? Let's give it a shot. So I did.

I know there is this whole taboo about online dating sites here, but I figure there is no harm in meeting new people and it's so easy over the internet. You don't really have to do anything except answer a few emails. So I signed up using a different name, of course, and you would just not believe what has crawled out of the woodwork so far! (Before I go on, I just want to clarify that some of the guys that have contacted me seem really nice and cool, but they don't make for good blog material, so obviously, the decent ones will not be mentioned. I only say this because I don't want to make it sound like I'm bashing these sites, which I'm not, and that it is possible to meet normal people.)

But for now, let focus on the LIES!!!

So, I can understand why some people will opt not to put a picture. Maybe they're hiding something, or maybe they are just embarrassed about being on a dating site. Who knows? Personally, I don't respond to messages from guys without a photo because I figure, if you're embarrassed, then don't be on the site, and if you're hiding something, I am not interested. Also, between you and I, I'm going to assume that no-picture dude is ugly. Wait, did I just say that out loud?

Anyhoo, what's even worse is the guys that use fake photos of hunky celebrities - I've had several of those. It is beyond pathetic. I mean do they really think we're going to believe they look like Jason Lewis, Samantha's hot boyfriend on Sex and the City? There was also this one guy who had two pics of himself from a distance and then a closeup pic of ... Clive Owen! OMG, what a LOSER!

Maybe I should try putting up an obscure pic of me so no one can really see my face and then use a close up of Angelina Jolie. What? Is that a stretch? You mean I don't really look like her even though we have similar coloring? Reallllyyyyyy??? I dunno, I think like Clive-Owen-NOT Dude, I could get away with it. And when I meet guys in real life, and they are shocked, just shocked, that I'm not Angelina Jolie's twin, I could just say, 'Oh, well this is what I look like from a distance.'

But the worst fake picture offender was this guy who used a photo of Dirk Benedict, the original Face from the 1980s show The A-Team and the original Starbuck from the 1970s Battlestar Galactica. I bet he was thinking, 'This actor is from the 70s and 80s, no one in Lebanon will know that I'm not Dirk Benedict. So what if his hair is feathered and the jacket has shoulder pads? I can totally pull this off.' Loser just doesn't cover it.

I also never respond to guys with fake photos, but this one I just had to confront. So I emailed him back and asked why he was using Dirk Benedict's photo and if he is some sort of die-hard A-Team fan or something. This is his response, copy/paste, I kid you not:

'i want know you . i want friend together talk . plase write me mail'

Then he gave me his email address. Oooooh yeah, I was so tempted after that!

But the lies are not as offensive as the pervy emails some nasty guys thought would somehow get me to email them back. I don't know what they were smoking before they started typing, but let's just say they definitely didn't sign up for the site to find their soul mates!

So, stay tuned to Part II of Sex, Lies and the Internet to read all about the perverts!

1 Broke Girl!

Dear readers, this year has not been stellar for my business. It was so bad that I didn't even make enough money to buy a single new designer bag. I know, so tragic. Forget about the Arab Spring and global warming - this handbag situation is the tragedy of the year. Okay, so I'm exaggerating - what else is new? I can just imagine the litany of angry emails I will get in response to that last statement: you compare Marc Jacobs camel tote to Middle East revolution?? Oh, who am I kidding? Like anyone ever sends me mail in response to this blog (that no one reads) anyway!

As usual, I digress...

So, business has been really bad and I have been forced to reevaluate my whole business plan (yes, I have a business plan!). Should I stay in Beirut, where let's face it, the amount I make from one brochure means about the only thing I can afford in this town is a Starbucks coffee - a Venti, but still. After reviewing my invoices for 2011, I realized that if I were living in the US, local churches would be coming around giving me charity gift baskets as if to say, 'Oh, we're so sorry you're so poor, here, have a banana muffin.' And if I were still living in the US, I would so take that gift basket and enjoy that muffin with my Starbucks coffee, or my net worth as it were.

The trouble with being poor in Beirut is that no one admits that they're strapped for cash. It's like this giant taboo. I mean, people are actually ashamed that they can't afford the latest $8 million cell phone or ridiculous sports car that transforms into a rocket and flies to the moon. In fact, I would go so far as to say that admitting you have money problems is worse than, say, admitting you never graduated high school ... or that you robbed a bank ... or that you still wear Speedos.

I know that some people would even prefer to sell an internal organ in order to pretend that they live la dolce vita. Kidney? What kidney? Who needs that itty, bitty thing when you can get knee-high Christian Louboutin boots instead? I know what you're thinking, but the thought has never crossed my mind. Really! Why don't you believe me? I'm telling the truth. Honest! I'm not even a fan of Louboutin! Okay, okay. I'm kind of a fan. Minor, really ... a passing fancy, if you will. Perhaps maybe with a medium sized appreciation for the supple leather, pretty heels and oh so hot red soles. Nothing major. Alright, a little major. Okay, alright already, so I'm a huge fan! HUGE!

Other than being frustrated at not being able to purchase new, pretty things, another problem is explaining to friends that I simply can't afford to do certain activities unless I resort to the Daddy ATM machine, ever so popular in Lebanon but a place I haven't visited since 1995 (okay, 1998!). To some Beirutis, though, admitting that no, you can't just hop on a plane to the south of France for a 30 day vacation at a ritzy five-star hotel that costs $2,000 a night is tantamount to saying that you're homeless and living in a cardboard box in an alleyway off Hamra Street, practically starving if not for the LL250 mankoushi that Abu Mustapha, the guy with the neighboring impostor perfume stand, gave you after selling his eighth bottle of faux Chanel No. 5.

So I've accepted that I'm not going on any shopping sprees at Saks any time soon, but with Christmas and FOUR birthdays coming up, my bank account is still in a major panic. Wouldn't it be great if I could just buy everyone socks and they would all think that was the best present ever? Even the kids, would be like, Yay, socks! So awesome! Anissa is the best aunty ever! If that completely believable scenario doesn't happen, I could always feign innocence and be like Whaaaaat? Socks aren't a marvelous present? Why, I had no idea. Look, they have ducks on them!


Oh well, you know what they say: ♫ It's the most  expensive wonderful time of the year ♫ !!!