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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Some People are Real A**holes: A Rant of the Week!

As you can probably tell from the title of this blog entry, I'm in a really bad mood! I just can't believe how really terrible some people are. So today, I was on my way to pick up a friend for lunch - I was late (as usual) and he called me just as I was two minutes away from his place. I knew he was waiting outside for me, so when a car from a perpendicular street was trying to turn onto the main road I was on, I did not let him pass. I was late and had right of way anyway, and didn't have to let any car pass. The SOB then turns in and rams his car right into the back of my jeep. ON PURPOSE! I was so enraged, I mean, who does that?? Who rear-ends a car just because the person driving didn't let them pass?? What an absolute caveman! I got out of the car and gave him a piece of my mind. Onlookers on the road - all men of course - came outside and berated the lunatic as well. He apologized and said it was an accident, but I told him that he was lying, that he did it on purpose because I did not let him pass. So, he says, 'If it was on purpose, then I apologize, and there is no damage to your car.' Oh, I was soooo angry, so I called him a son of a bitch and walked off.

How can people be so awful?? And last week, I was driving down this one way road, and a van/cab driver was coming up in the opposite direction. He stopped his car, refusing to back up, and I refused to back up because HE WAS GOING THE WRONG WAY! So, I put my car in park and waited. He thought he could intimidate because I'm a woman and his falling apart van was full of males - well, he had another thing coming. He came out of his car and was telling me to back up. So I said he was going the wrong way and he should back up. So, of course, being in Lebanon, where 99% of the population is completely without principles, he starts screaming and yelling at me – yeah, like that’s going to make me move. He then threatens to hit my car. I told him to go ahead, and I will call the police and let them decide who is right and wrong in this situation. So, of course, coward that most morons like that are, he backs down, and starts to say that I'm like his sister – really, no joke, his sister - and to please back up because by that time, two other cars had come up behind him. I didn't want to cause world war III over the whole thing, but I was prepared to fight for the principle of the matter. So, I compromised and said I would back up only if he admitted that he was wrong and apologized. He did and I backed up. He was even benevolent enough to thank me as he drove off. How touching!

I am just so sick and tired of jerks in this country acting like total barbarians and then screaming and yelling when called on their behavior because they think women are too timid to face them. As this one bystander at the cab incident said, 'Ma3alesh, just back up.' And I told him, 'Mish ma3alash.’ It's bad enough that people here are so completely inconsiderate, rude and uncivilized when they drive; the least they can do is apologize when they are wrong. He agreed with me while chomping on his mankouche, but then shrugged his shoulders like there was nothing to be done.

Well, there is always something to be done. We put up with a lot of crap living in Lebanon because we love our country. But, I for one, draw the line at being bullied by a bunch of dumbass a**holes!

N.B.: Credit for the title of this blog entry goes to the one and only Mr. B!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Your Age in Chocolate

Okay, I can't take credit for this one, I got it as an email forward and thought it was really cool. I know it's a mathematical thing, but anything to do with chocolate gets my attention - fast!! So, think of this as a bonus blog entry and enjoy :) !!

Your age in chocolate begins NOW!!

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway but the Hershey (or Cadbury) Man will know! This is your age by chocolate math and is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute . Work this out as you read . Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 .... If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week). The next two numbers are YOUR AGE (Oh YES, it is!) AND THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK!

Monday, April 20, 2009

How I discovered that George Clooney is NOT in love with me

Yes, it's been over a week since my last entry and I'm feeling like the absolute worst blogger ever. But, in my defense, I have been ill ... yet again! I caught a debilitating virus that left me bed ridden for five days - fun stuff! Anyway, now on to today's exhilarating entry: secret admirers. Oooohhhhhh ...

So, last week, I got this sms that I have a secret admirer - I know, I know, everyone's been getting them. But, I decided to check the whole thing out, investigative journalism style, so that I could properly expose the scam to you, my dear readers. For those of you not in the know, an sms has been going around that the recipient has a secret admirer. To get your special message, though, you have to send an sms to a provided number. My 'secret admirer' message was in French - the first clue that the whole thing is bogus, because anyone who knows me even remotely, would never, ever, send me a message in French. Anyway, it read something like, 'I really like you, but I'm too intimidated to approach you.' Flashbacks of grade school and the crushes of 12 year olds sprang to mind, but I persevered!

The message then says that it will give you the name of your so-called admirer if you send yet another sms to the same number. I did so (only because our dear minister of telecom has reduced sms rates to $0.10, otherwise this experiment would never have happened. So, thanks Gebran!). I received another message, saying, shocker of all shockers, that my secret admirer wishes to remain anonymous, but if I send in the name of who I think it could be, it will tell me whether I'm right or wrong. So, I typed in a name, and guess what folks ... ? That's how I discovered that George Clooney is not secretly in love with me!

Although entirely possible, George is not in love with me

Devastated as I was, the experiment was not yet over. My sister, who also received a secret admirer sms, did the same thing at my -- annoying? -- insistence, just to see if we would get the exact same message. Well, hers was in English, but she was as equally heartbroken to learn that Edward Cullen was not secretly pining away over her!

So there you have it folks! Our brilliant detective work was so brilliant, in fact, that I feel like this could be an Emmy award winning segment on 60 Minutes. And thanks to the amazing investigative team of Rafeh & Rafeh (aka Anissa and Nadya) we have not only managed to uncover the truth for you, but have also saved you from those moments when you think, 'Well maybe I could have a secret admirer,' but you don't want to be that loser that sent in the sms hoping to find true love, only to realize that you actually fell for a gimmick. Yes, you owe us big time (feel free to thank us ad nauseam!).

Disclaimer: This experiment is in no way an indication of loserish behavior, since it was carried out with the full knowledge that it was a hoax and done for the sole purpose of providing hardcore proof of its bogus nature.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Readers, dearest

Dear readers (all two of you), I'm sorry that I have been so neglectful of my blog of late, but I have been seriously busy with deadlines. Thankfully, I actually have some work to do - wohooo! (It has been a slow few months, so a hectic work schedule is more than welcome.) What I like to do when I'm really busy is reward myself after completing a task. Like, for example, when I finish writing a paragraph, I get five minutes (okay, more like 30) to check out Facebook. Today, I'm treating myself - in between copywriting a brochure and copyediting a catalogue - by writing a new entry for my blog. After all, I wouldn't want to disappoint my eager readers (hi mom!).

Speaking of work, I'm going to put in a shameless plug here and talk about my book, Miss Guided, which according to a very reliable source (thanks Nadya!), is now number 10 (out of 20) on the Virgin bestseller list downtown. I was number four before those blasted Twilight books hit the stands. Stupid books about a gorgeous vampire (swoon, sigh, Edward) falling in love with a mortal (dumbass, whiny Bella) and their mushy romance ... that I am COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH! But, that doesn't mean you have to be as well. Put that book down and go out and buy Miss Guided. Everyone dies at the end - just kidding, I would never be that cruel, except for once, but that's another story ...

Okay, and now on to shameless plug number two: I will be writing a column for the English version of Sayidity magazine, which is available pretty much across the Middle East. So, be sure to check out my musings and humorous witticisms in The Lighter Side every month! Also, feel free to send me feedback and suggestions -- even let me know what irks you so that I can point out the lighter side. Ahhhh, clever, see the connection there???

Well, my time with you today has been regrettably short, but rewarding nonetheless. I have a catalogue waiting for me, dear readers, not exactly as tempting as a delicious vampire, but hey, at least there's a paycheck involved!