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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

From Sushi to Wonder Woman

On Sunday night, I found myself sitting with MadGlam, my partner in crime, at a bar thinking of  - wait for it - Wonder Woman. I know, I know, tres bizarre. You're probably wondering what strange series of events led me to such a random thought. Well, it all started like this ...

Sunday morning I got up to get ready for a family lunch in the mountains. (FYI: Warm and sunny in Beirut naturally means cold and rainy in the mountains!) When we got there, we saw that the lunch was outdoors ... in the rain, which was pounding the flimsy canvas serving as a shelter, dripping through slits that horrifyingly crept closer and closer to my handbag, which was good in a way only because it distracted me from the horror that was becoming my hair. Then I looked across the garden and saw that there was nothing covering the food. Hmmm, this will be interesting, I thought. It wasn't. It was wet. Very, very wet. So, of course, I was not enticed to eat the soggy food, which of course resulted in me starving to death by the time I got back down to Beirut, which led me to pick up the phone and dial ...

... McDonald's delivery (yes, McDonald's delivers here, God bless Lebanon!). But before I could put in the four digit number, I received a perfectly timed intervention from MadGlam, who suggested we go out for sushi, a much healthier dining option, to be sure. At dinner, we decided to go out for a drink when we were done eating, which is why an hour later we found ourselves sitting at a new bar that opened downtown, when suddenly ...

... our intense discussion on text messaging was interrupted because she saw some guy she knew, to whom she introduced me and then asked, "Do you think he's attractive?" One look at the blazer/ t-shirt combo, slicked back oily hair (I didn't look at his shoes, but I have a strong suspicion he wasn't wearing socks - so gross) and I thought he must be caught in some time/space wormhole thingymebob that left him stuck in the 1980s, back when the Miami Vice look was still cool, which, of course, reminded me of ...

... the totally awesome Hot Tub Time Machine, which was on cable the other night and is completely underrated, by the way. Great film. Okay, maybe not 'great' per se, but definitely at least 'good'. I just love John Cusack. I think he's still single. I wonder if he likes brunettes?? Oh, sorry, I almost forgot about you guys. Okay, where was I? Oh yes, Hot Tub Time Machine. So, the movie made me think of the scene when they were first transported back to the 80s and they were skiing and everyone was carrying a ...

... walkman, which I got as a present from my parents on my 10th birthday. It was white, as big as my head and the earphones were the size of a football helmet but with foam. And I thought I was totally cool, because I had a walkman! The first cassette tape I ever bought? Def Leppard! (If MadGlam is reading this, she's probably thinking, 'Def Leppard? Isn't that the latest handbag from Gucci?') Anyway, I digress yet again. That happened in 1984, the year that my school in Dubai held ...

... the greatest Halloween fair ever, to which I went dressed up as none other than ...

... dah dah dahhhhh ...

... Wonder Woman!

And no, I do not have ADD ... surprisingly!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Blabbing with the Bassara

So, yesterday after a weekend of beer, baked  beans and rugby (yes, it still looks like gay porn to me), MadGlam and I decided to go see a bassara, also known as a fortune teller. Now, I should say that I have not frequented a bassara's lair since the good ol' days with FFF way back when. But so extraordinary were these supposed talents of yesterday's soothsayer that I allowed curiosity to get the better of me and tagged along.

Off the bat, Fortune Teller Extraordinaire NOT (FTEN) was totally off on my 'aura' or emotions, or whatever. Before looking at my coffee cup, she said my 'energy' was showing her that I was an extrovert [WRONG] who loves to go out all the time [WRONG] and everyone loves me [so true, of course, and I mean, like EVERYONE.]

Right, great start, I thought to myself. Then she says: "Now I want to move on to your emotions, and by that I mean your love life, and by that I mean you don't have one." [Uhm, okay, that sounds hopeful.] "I see in front of you a white wall." [How droll, at least couldn't my boyfriend, i.e. the wall, be a more exciting color? Maybe something psychedelic or at least slightly funky?] "But don't worry, I see past this wall." [Phew, thank God. I was really starting to think I was going to exchange vows with dull concrete.] "Yes, yes, past this wall, there is a man [specific]. You will meet him in May or maybe some other month or maybe you met him already ... [looks at my raised eyebrows] but no you have not met him [looks at me again] but yes maybe you have [looks again] but no, no you haven't." Whatevs!

Yes, FTEN was that good. Apparently Future Husband, who thankfully is not a wall, works in advertising, or marketing, or something in the arts or is just employed. At first he was NINE years older than me. When I expressed my disappointment at this big age difference, the conversation went something like this:

FTEN: "Why are you upset - nine years is not so much an age difference."
[Please bear in mind that at this point I had already given her my birth date and year.]
ME: "Uhm yes it is."
FTEN: "Oh, oh, I made a mistake. Do you feel better now?"
Me: "Oh yes, soooooo much better. And I'm so glad that I'm getting this totally accurate and not at all BS reading from you based on my facial expressions and body language."

Okay, then she starts spewing out letters. 'R', 'M', 'E'. "Do you know anyone with those letters in your family?" Actually, no, but my brother's middle name is Ramzi, which technically could be spelled Ramzey, which would fit, so I threw her a bone and said, yes, my brother. "You work together in a family business." [WRONG] "You work in similar fields." [WRONG] I was so annoyed at this point, I just started to give her information and told her we share an office space. "Yes, yes, that is the connection I see." Eye roll.

When I BBMed my brother and gave him this super exciting news, he said that FTEN is just as accurate as Wheel of Fortune. They give those letters for free in the final round because they are some of the most popular letters in the alphabet and chances are, she's gonna get at least one right. Which is probably why she told me future husband has an 'S' in his name and MadGlam's has a 'T'. When FTEN revealed this tidbit to me, I was like noooooo wayyyyyy, thanks for narrowing things down. I mean, just about everyone I know has an 'S' somewhere in their name. Hello needle, have you met haystack?

After about an hour with FTEN, I was really ready to stop my fortune telling adventures foreverrrrr. Seriously, even rugby makes more sense to me than her so-called predictions!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Bride Wars!

So, it's been a loooooonnnnnngggggg break from my blog I know, but dear readers, I needed it. There was A LOT going on this spring/summer and unfortunately, that meant no time for my blog. And let's be honest here, it's not like I was ever really that ... uhm let's say punctual ... about updating my entries!

Anyhoo, the reason for all the chaos?? Another one of my sisters got hitched - wohooo! And then another got engaged - double wohooo! And yet another came along just for the ride with two kids, a husband and a kidney stone (his, not hers) in tow - a reserved wohooo, but only because of the kidney stone. Yes, it's been a hectic few months. Thankfully, all went well (or hamdillah, as we say in this neck of the woods). As you can see from the pic above, the bride was absolutely stunning, the engaged sister (right) was as equally as radiant and 'married with children' (left) has never looked less than beautiful a day in her life. That's me in the middle. (And no, we bridesmaids were not pointing our bouquets at our sister's head because she made us wear bridesmaids dresses.)

During the whole summer, I have to relate to you the huge contradiction going on in my head as both my younger sisters prepared for their nuptials and engagement party. Some of you may recall my less than enthusiastic feeling towards such celebrations because of the onslaught of akbalik (hope you get married next) comments that I get. I thought that was bad ... until they stopped! Let me explain ...

You know, it's true what they say, you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone. Funnily, weirdly and incredibly bizarrely enough, that's how I felt about the whole akbalik thing. I despised it because I was like, 'Hello, there is more that I want to do in my life than get married, it is not one of my major goals - I want to accomplish things greater than nabbing a husband!'

Fast forward to this summer. A bunch of people were over to congratulate us all on my sister's engagement. My sisters were all there and I'm the only single one left. I was sitting next to my also single brother and then when everyone got up to leave, they all completely ignored me and started telling him akbalak. Did I mention I was standing right next to him?? Suddenly, being at the receiving end of an abalik comment wasn't so bad. I seriously felt like an expired carton of milk. I thought maybe I should get a new tattoo on my forehead, this one saying, 'Yo, still viable.'

My sister noticed this outrageous injustice of akbalik bestowment, and said politely, 'Anissa first.' Then the barrage of akbaliks began to spring forth and - again - funnily, weirdly and incredibly bizarrely enough, I was actually pleased. My brother on the other hand was where I was just a few short months ago and sick of hearing it. He joked that he was going to change his name to Akbalak.

But you won't hear any complaints from me anymore, no siree, Bob! I ain't no moldy piece of bread just yet, so feel free to call me Anissa Akbalik any old (no pun intended) time!!