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Thursday, January 21, 2010

No, Women do not Dream of Winning Blenders!

So, yesterday I was driving to the gym when I came across the most offensive billboard ad I've seen in a while. A blonde, big busted woman in a low cut, white dress is deliriously happy while holding - wait for it - a blender! Okay, you might be thinking, what's wrong with that? Nothing, except that the ad was for the credit card rewards program of a bank - where I bank actually - and to illustrate all the wonderful things you can win with the points you save up every time you use your card, they thought they'd show how exciting it would be to win ... a blender.

What idiot thought that any woman, Lebanese or otherwise, with the opportunity to win from hundreds and hundreds of prizes, would opt of all things for a bloody blender? This is so completely insulting on so many different levels. Basically, they are saying that in this day and age, women - who I think have pretty much proven that they are capable of doing more than just blend things - would still choose to stay in the kitchen and make milk shakes. RIDICULOUS!

Dear, bank, thank you for sending such a positive message to Lebanese women, especially your clients. I'm so pleased to have been equated with a kitchen appliance - a LOW END kitchen appliance (sheesh, at least choose a microwave or cappuccino machine)! I'm so glad that I've chosen to open my account with you, really, since you obviously hold your female clients in such high esteem. Oh please let me earn enough points on my credit card so that I too can prance around in a slutty dress, fully made up with bleached blond hair and clutching to a blender for dear life! As a lowly female, why should I want anything else on your list, like a new computer, an airline ticket or even ski equipment. No, of course I wouldn't want any of those things when I can win ... A BLENDER!!

You banking folk sure do know what women's dreams are made of! Way to have your chauvinistic finger on the button. And FYI, the next time you feel compelled to stick to sexist stereotypes of Lebanese women, at least choose one who even remotely looks Lebanese. The last time I checked, even blonde Lebanese don't look Swedish. Seriously, what kind of retarded ad agency are you working with? Did they somehow find a way to bridge the space/time continuum, travel back to the 19th century and leave their brains there?

Note to the dumbass(es) who came up with this idiotic ad: Yo, Rip Van Winkle, I know you went to sleep in 1950, but now that you've woken up, please take note that its 2010, a time when - shockingly - women no longer dream of owning BLENDERS! Moron.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Guys and Facebook

So, I was having dinner with a friend the other night and he admitted something to me that I found a little surprising: when I added him on Facebook, he totally got the wrong idea. According to him, the main indicator was the fact that I had only met him once before adding him, and he was thinking, 'Why is this chick adding me, I only met her once.' Fair enough assumption, even though not entirely accurate. You see, when we met, he said he was a fan of my book, and any fan of my book (shameless plug for Miss Guided - buy a copy today!) is a super addition to my friend list, whether male or female. But that got me thinking ... do all guys think that a girl is into them if added as a friend first??

Well, to help you out a little - and thanks to the insight I got from my pal at dinner - I thought I'd give some hints on how to know if a girl is really into you, or whether she is just adding you because she thought you were a nice guy (and was a fan of her book ;) ). This only applies to people who've met in person before connecting on Facebook. Total strangers who add you probably do think that you're a yummy stud muffin.

Okay, first of all, not all women think of Facebook as a platform for finding dates - I certainly don't at least and I know a lot of people who think the same. Of course, you come across many people who use Facebook as a matchmaking site, but do not assume that every person has the same mindset. So without further ado ...

Rule number one: If you've actually met the girl, even if it's only once, and she's not a total floozy who's coming on to you, then in all likelihood she added you because she thought you were cool and wanted to remain in contact, and not for any other reason.

Rule number two: If after she's added you she hasn't initiated any attempt to engage in some sort of contact with you (e.g. sending you a message, starting a chat, commenting on your status, etc), again, she's probably only interested in friendship. If she responds to contact initiated by you, then she is just being polite and does not necessarily want to jump your bones. (There is an exception to this rule, however, if - and only if - rule number one doesn't apply. If when you meet her you get a really strong vibe that she's into you, and then she adds you but makes no move after that, she is most likely waiting for you to initiate contact, since she's the one who made the first move by adding you. She's looking for a sign that you were into her too.)

Rule number three: If you're not really sure what this chick is thinking, and so you decide to do some harmless flirting via a message or chat and she responds in a completely neutral, non-flirty tone, then she is most probably not into you. Be careful not to misinterpret friendly for flirty - there is a BIG difference!

Rule number four: Take a look at her pictures to get an idea of what kind of girl she is. If she's not posting wild party pics, then it's not likely that she uses Facebook to pickup men. (If you can't see her pics and you're on her Limited list, then she most definitely is not into you at all!!)

Now, what if a girl is totally wanting to date you - what signs do you look for then?? Hmmmm ... well I can't reveal all my secrets, now can I?? As for the rules above, that's all I can think of for now, but if I've missed anything and anyone has any other insights they'd like to share, feel free to do so in the comments section below!!

Happy Facebooking all :)

Monday, January 4, 2010

Faux Frenchies (and other losers)

So, I was having dinner the other night when I was accosted by this hideous wannabe Frenchie loser, who thought her ridiculous accent made her sound more intelligent and of a higher class. Whatever! Not even her stupid accent could mask her blatant stupidity, and as for her class, let's just say my New Year's Eve dates have more of it in their furry paws. I won't go into detail about what we were arguing about, but let's just say that she's an idiot and even Paris Hilton has more brain cells than her. Anyway, as always, I digress.... Getting back to topic, what is with these idiots who think that speaking with a put on accent is actually cool? I have to admit, the Faux Frenchies get on my nerves more than anyone else, although there are also wannabe Americans and Brits that are nearly as irritating, but we'll get to them later.

Okay, a typical Faux Frenchie will come up to you in their Frenchie coucou manner, all pretentious and nauseating with their dumbass accents that they probably worked harder on than graduating high school (if they even managed that), and a conversation will generally go something like this:

Faux Frenchie: Bonsoir!
Normal Lebanese Person: Hi.
FF: Frenchie frenchie coucou nonsense in French.
NLP: Sorry, I don't speak French. Only Arabic and English please.
FF: Oh mon Dieu (face in disgust) no French?? Quelle catastrophe! Yuck, Arabic is only for peasants, but if I must lower myself ... [Begins to speak Arabic with French accent].
NLP: Uhm, you know you're not French right?
FF: Yes, and I've never even been to France, but I must roll my 'r's anyway, because it is very clah.
NLP: Moron.
FF: Mais ouis!

People who've flown over the UK or had a layover in the US and come back to Lebanon and act as if they don't know how to speak Arabic anymore aren't much better. But in order of most annoying, let's go through a typical conversation with a Faux Brit.

Faux Brit: G'day mate.
Normal Lebanese Person: Uhm, you know that's Australian.
FB: Oh yeah, easy mistake, though, ainnet [i.e., isn't it]?
NLP: Only if you're mentally challenged.
FB: Hey, I really am British, you know …. Look, I can say, bloody hell!
NLP: You’re bloody annoying.
FB: Wicked!

And now we come to American wannabes, who have accents so bad, hearing them is like listening to fingernails on blackboards – i.e. excruciating.

Faux American: Hey, like oh my God, I am like soooooo American, and just to prove it to you, I’m so going to talk like this the whole time even though I was only in the US for like five minutes. Awesome. Dude.
Normal Lebanese Person: Did you just say, ‘Dude?’
FA: Totally, dude. I totally said ‘dude,’ dude. Like you know, right? Whatever rocks your boat, man.
NLP: I actually don’t know. Is there a conversation going on here?
FA: Oh my God, are you serious? Are you like totally clueless or something?
NLP: [No comment, stares incomprehensibly at babbling idiot with limited vocabulary who inexplicably keeps saying ‘dude.’]
FA: Duuuuude!