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Friday, February 21, 2014

The Richmonder

Hello dear reader! Are you still there (yes, Mom, I'm talking to you)? Welcome to my new blog (actually, it's the same one but I just switched the word 'Lebanon' to 'Richmond' because I couldn't be bothered to create a whole new template). Anyhoo, it's been three months since I left Lebanon, the longest I have been away in 18 years, so I think it's fair to now call myself a Richmonder. Since you all know me as Anissa in Lebanon, I thought I would take this opportunity to introduce myself as Anissa in Richmond. I feel like maybe I need to make myself a little more relatable to my now much wider American audience (hey Mom, can you send this to your friends?). So here are some things you should know about the more American me.

(Disclaimer: I am not schizophrenicDisclaimer II: I am not a conformist. Disclaimer III: I still love Benedict Cumberbatch. Disclaimer IV: I know that has nothing to do with this blog.) 

1. I am still living with my sister and her family until I find a job, although I have been upgraded from nephew's room to bonafide guest bedroom. This is a good thing because a) I am no longer surrounded by Lego and b) There is a TV set.

2. I have never in my life had a Twinkie. My sister and brother-in-law could not believe this. An American who's never had a Twinkie? What sort of travesty against all things Americana is this? (My sister still watches General Hospital, so it is totally believable that she would react this way.) I told her not having a Twinkie was gonna be 'my thing'. I pictured it as this really cool conversational opener I would have with my new American potential friends when I met them for the first time. New Potential Friend: So, tell me a little about yourself. Me: Well, I've never had a Twinkie. NPF: No way! That is so neat and unusual. You must be a cool person. Let's be friends. Me: Yippie!

(Incidentally, I have also never been on a roller coaster, but that is mainly because I like having my internal organs stay where they are internally in my body.)

3. Because I am so exciting and have such an irrepressible sense of adventure, my new favorite hangouts are Costco, Kroger and Target (which I pronounce Tarjeh, because it sounds more 'clah' and I've still got some Lebanese in me).

4. Whenever friends or family from abroad chat with me and ask why I seem so distracted and I tell them that I'm busy working, in reality I am probably just playing Candy Crush. I went to the hairdresser the other day and brought my iPad to play. The stylist asked me about the game and I told her not to download it because it was like crack or meth. She gave me this strange look and I realized, this chick does not know me, she thinks I'm being literal. So I had to say that I've never done crack or meth, I just imagine that it would be like a Candy Crush addiction, except it doesn't age you by a gazillion years like those people in the meth mug shots that are posted all over Facebook so that people won't take meth. She looked relieved, I'm not kidding.

5. Do not put a Starburst candy in front of me, because I will do whatever it takes to take the entire packet away from you and eat them all. This is not a joke. Even if it's the jumbo sized Halloween bag. I will eat the whole thing. My niece got Starbursts for Valentine's Day. I waited til she went to bed and then stole them. She somehow heard me rustling through her things downstairs, came to the landing at the top of the stairs, caught me redhanded stuffing them in my face, and gave me this look of utter betrayal. 'You're eating my candy?' she cried. I did not flinch. 'You should thank me for saving you from cavities,' I said. 'Okay, you can have them,' she replied with watery eyes as she retreated, head down, back to her bedroom. I was moved for about 2 1/2 seconds, then proceeded to finish her Starbursts.

And there you have the essentials of Anissa, the Richmonder. If you have any questions, leave them in the comments section and I will be sure to answer you in between Costco runs and Candy Crush sessions (unless, of course, you are Benedict Cumberbatch, in which case I will even give up my Starbursts!).