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Thursday, January 27, 2011

We Doth Protest Too Much?

So, everybody knows that the past two weeks or so have not been the best in our beloved country, but this is not a political blog, and I will not be going there. Suffice it to say that because of the situation, I have not been going out and so, Mr HJNTIY, if you're reading this, you better stop now, because this entry is not going to have anything scandalous in it.

Now, because I have not been in the mood to go out, I have been watching a lot of movies the past 10 days. One such film was a supposed real story about alien abductions that I have refused to see for months, even though my brother has been eager to watch it since its release. I get laughed at a lot, but aliens scare the crap out of me. Hello, did you not see Independence Day? And even genius extraordinaire Stephen Hawking said that if aliens ever came to earth, they would not be the friendly ET type (yes, even he [it?] freaks me out). Also, how is it that all the alleged abductees have the exact same story? Even their descriptions of the aliens are the same. Coincidence? I think not.

My family still makes fun of the one summer years ago when were vacationing in our old family home in the mountains and I didn't sleep the whole time there because I was terrified that a UFO would land nearby. There was a huge empty lot right next to my bedroom window and it was the perfect spot to land their spaceship, I reasoned oh so rationally. There was also an army checkpoint in the street in front of the house, and when there were soldiers on night duty, I could sleep, because - I reasoned oh so rationally - if a UFO came by, their screams would alert me to their ominous arrival. If, however, they were not on duty, I would wait until daybreak before getting some shut eye.

I think it was my mother who asked me if I had the same fear in Beirut. 'No, of course not,' I said. 'In Beirut, there are too many buildings around so they can't land their ships,' I added, as if this should be totally obvious and logical. 'Oh riiiiiggghhhhttttt,' my mother replied in the tone shrinks use when they talk to people in the psycho ward.

So, anyway, when my brother wanted to watch this alien abduction movie, he tried to convince me - using physics - that it was impossible for aliens to come to earth. Something about needing to create a black hole, or wormhole, or whatever in order to travel fast enough to reach our planet. What the hell does he know? Like he understands alien technology??!!? I am completely unconvinced. I mean, they could have already invented that ability on the planet where all the Scientologists came from!

But, apparently, the laws of physics are the same across the universe, even in alien land. Whatever! Okay, it's not like I've seen one or anything - or have I? - but it's like the case of ghosts. Maybe you don't entirely, 100% believe in their existence, but you don't want to say it out loud just in case they do exist and then they show themselves to you to prove it. Well, I'm not going to take that risk, thank you very much. So, if you're out there aliens (and ghosts, while we're at it), I believe! I believe!

As for my sleepless nights, my fear was abating some thanks to my logic about UFOs needing space to land. That is until my brother pointed out that they can just hover above a buildling, they really don't need to bring the ship down. Yeah, thanks, bro!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Love, Actually

Happy New Year, everyone! I've been on holiday for the past three weeks, so that explains the long break in blog entries, but now I'm back - better than ever (not). And as another year has passed by, I thought I'd give a brief rundown of this blog's most popular co-stars to date.

Pixie Minxie
The last time we caught up with this golden mane babe, she was fresh off one of the worst blind dates in blind date history. Well, you'll all be happy to know that one of those blind dates actually paid off - believe it or not! - and Pixie Minxie is now engaged to none other than Blizzard Jogger, a newly inducted addition to this blog! Yes, it was a match made in blind date heaven - as I've said before, stranger things have happened. I'd like to say akbal me having the same happy fate, but we all know my luck with blind dates, so that ain't ever gonna happen! Congrats Pixie and BJog!

Miss HotStuff
So hot that most men do her bidding with the single bat of one eye, Miss HotStuff  had a love affair so intense this past holiday season, we all thought her heart would break when the love of her life suddenly walked out on her. Significant others can be so brutish that way! It all started one cold winter's day, when traveling abroad she noticed that her - gulp - BlackBerry was not working and she could not - gulp, gulp - BBM her friends back home. Heartbroken is actually not the word. Devastated, inconsolable, distraught ... perhaps are more accurate descriptions of her state of mind. But don't fret, dear readers, you'll be relieved to know that after hours and hours of calls to the phone company, her disastrous state of affairs was finally repaired. Her dear love was back in her eagerly awaiting arms and all was right with the world once again.

Who knows whether or not this dude is still obsessing over barely legal debutants who he'd rather describe as 'sisters' rather than love interests. At a recent outing, he emphatically stressed that he was a changed man - perhaps transformed through a New Year's resolution? Yes, he no longer sets an age limit of 25 or less for the women he dates. Now hold on ladies, those of you waiting with bated breath should also hear the clause to this so-called change of heart in his lifestyle. He's okay with women who are older than 25 as long as they look 25. Such revelations give me so much faith in the core values of the opposite sex!

Oh, the lifestyles of the madly glamorous were equally void of passionate romance this past holiday, but that didn't stop our heroine MadGlam from capturing the hearts of her many admirers. Unfortunately, she did not find her one true love in her stocking come Christmas Day. Hmmm, could it be that Santa caught glimpse of a naughty side none of us knew about? Perhaps old St. Nick thought her shopping spree with suitcases a bit much? Or perhaps he was offended when 'Sweet Emotion' came on the radio and she said, 'Oh, I know who sings this song ... uhm, Bono.' You mean U2, thought Santa, listening in all the way from the North Pole. 'No, no, it's the that group, I don't know their name, with Mick Jagger,' she said, thinking she was correcting herself. No, it's not the Rolling Stones either, mused Santa from atop his sled. 'Now I've got it, it's Guns N' Roses!' she said all excitedly. IT'S AEROSMITH, AEROSMITH, Rudolph screamed after he just couldn't take it anymore, nose flaring even more red than usual in frustration.

Now here's some tantalizing tale from the dark side! Mr US recently met SHB, an acronym I shall not spell out for you, but let's just say the chick deserves the name COMPLETELY. Imagine, she thought she could play two men - friends at that - at the same time without the brain power to think that maybe, just maybe in a town as small as Beirut one of the dudes might catch wind of it. After going all Fatal Attraction on Mr US - yes, she even admitted to going to his home while he wasn't there and peeking in the windows... so CREEPY - he gave her the benefit of the doubt despite my warnings that he was going to soon find bunny rabbits boiling in a pot in his kitchen. After a while, he realized that SHB was playing the same game with his friend, and even after she found out that Mr US learned of her shenanigans, she still had the gall to contact him again! Move over Glenn Close, you've got competition, and boy is she nasty!