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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Sealing the Deal

I recently met up with my pal, Priscilla Priss, and she couldn't stop talking about Slow Jim Blah, who she said she knew was into her but hadn't made the moves yet for reasons she could not fathom. She asked me for my opinion, but I had no clue as to what Slow Jim's problem was, if he was indeed as into her as PP claimed. My philosophy is that over analyzing is always a very bad idea, and so if a guy is acting like he's just not that into you, then that's just what it is. I tried to break this gently to PP, but she is convinced that that is not the case.

So, wanting to help out my friend, because I am just so generous and giving that way, I dialed up my go-to guy for all things guy related to get the male perspective. I'm talking, of course, about none other than the one and only Mr. B (back by popular demand). After I explained PP's predicament, the conversation went a little something like this:
Mr. B: Is Slow Jim a TLG?
Me: Huh?
Mr. B: A typical Lebanese guy?
Me: Uhm, yeah, I guess.
Mr. B: Well, that's the problem right there. TLG will not make the moves on a chick the way, let's say, a European or American dude would. (NB: In reality, Mr. B would be mortified at the use of the words chick and dude.)
Me: Whatever do you mean?

Mr. B then went on to describe the 'typical' pick up scene, apparently common in just about every town but Beirut. Allow me to paraphrase: Imagine the opening sequence of Jaws (the first one, not the crap sequels). The hot bikini clad babe swims in the seemingly calm waters, wading peacefully, oblivious to the danger lurking beneath. Then ... cue music as the fins appear ... dah duh, dah duh, dah duhhhh. Action!

So, if you keep the babe and just substitute the sea for a pub and the shark for out and about dudes, you'll have the essential ingredients for 'sealing the deal.' If, for some reason, two of the guys in the same group are after the same girl, it's all out war, though. According to our expert, Mr. B, in such instances, the conversation will go a little something like this.
Guy 1: Shoo, what do you think of her?
Guy 2: Yeah, she's cute.
Guy 1: Is this war?
Guy 2: I think so, mate.

I always thought that guys operated on the unshakable 'bros before hoes' code, but apparently when alcohol is involved, the only rule is that there are no rules. Now, I know what you're all dying to know: how is the fight settled? The answer will shock and amaze you!! Such a profound revelation will surely bring you to your knees. So ... hold on to your seats ... be prepared ... catch your breath ... sit tight ...stay calm ...

"Whoever hails the first cab," Mr. B replied.

I know. Deep stuff.

But if that's how a non-TLG operates, then what about a genuine, bon a fide, living and breathing TLG? Well, for that story, dear readers, stay tuned for the startling revelations straight from the horse's mouth: Mr. TLG spills all in my next blog entry! Until then, happy ... sealing?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Like You, You Like Me!

The other morning, I came across an article from called '10 Ways to Make People Like You.' Of course, being as popular and universally loved as I am, I had no reason to read such a piece, but I thought in light of what's going on around us in the Middle East these days, a couple of politicians out there (or even Charlie Sheen) could use the advice! So here is my take on the tips and hints:

1. Smile a lot
So obvious, I know. Yes, a cheerful showing of your pearly whites makes you more attractive to people and they will be encouraged to like you more. Hmmm, well I guess there should be an addendum to that, like if your smile is accompanied by statements like, 'There will be blood,' your 'friendliness' is probably not gonna be taken that seriously.

2. Be a good listener
This may also seem like a no brainer, but you'd be surprised how some folks will interpret thousands of people carrying signs that say, 'We hate you. Leave now,' to mean, 'We worship the ground you walk on.' See, a good listener, you know, actually listens.

3. Share something about yourself
Do not get carried away with this one. The key word here is 'something' as in one thing. For example, scratch the two hour, incoherent rambling of how great and perfect and wonderful you are, and maybe say something like, 'Dude, sorry to hear that you lost your job, I've never had a real one myself, but yo, did I tell you that Beyonce, Jay Z, Usher and Nelly Furtado came to this kick ass party I threw on my boat?' See, in one sentence you managed to share that you are empathetic and cool. Two birds, one stone.

4. Strike the right pose
It's all about body language: crossing your arms and legs away from people closes you off from them and they are less likely to approach you or continue talking to you. This makes you less likable. I'd like to add that waving guns in the air and shooting doesn't help either.

5. Don't talk trash
Right, here it goes. To get people to like you, it's probably not a good idea to refer to them as 'cockroaches' or 'rats.' Just a suggestion.

6. Lighten up
It's always a good idea not to take yourself too seriously and show that you can laugh at yourself. This will make the person you're talking to more comfortable and relaxed, and they just may start thinking that you're a pleasure to be around. You could share an anecdote about yourself, like the time you got high off your coffee and milk. Ha ha ha! Really. Totally hilarious.

7. Ask for a favor
This point needs to be clarified. For example, it's okay to ask someone to watch your phone while you use the bathroom because it establishes trust. It's not okay, however, to ask people to ... I dunno ... suffer for a loaf of bread while you bask in luxury off their labor. Maybe?

8. Do something nice
Okay, big hint here: bombs and bullets don't count.

9. Use their name when speaking to them
See number 5. Names proper are probably best.

10. Be sensitive
Uhm ... let's see ... if you follow points 1 through 9, I'd say you're all set in the sensitivity department. 

And now, after completing this 10-step program, everyone should totally love you. You're welcome!