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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dancing in the Streets

In most civilized countries, etiquette experts give tips on how to throw the perfect soiree, from scrumptious hors d'oeuvres and elegant center pieces to the proper entertainment and dress code. In Lebanon, though, we like to shake things up a little. I mean, why throw a smashing party when you can organize a mass protest, complete with closing down streets and terrorizing people? That sounds way more fun, no? So, here it is, your guide to throwing the perfect protest, a la Libanaise.

1. Pick a cause: In Lebanon, we don't really care how pertinent a cause is to our country. In fact, any old excuse will do, so just pick something that pisses you off. I'm choosing the killing off of Lexie Grey on Grey's Anatomy. What were those producers thinking? How dare they? I bet they didn't know who they were messing with and I'm sure they're going to really care that there is a random protest in a random country that has absolutely no connection to the Grey's Anatomy writer's room at ABC Studios. This will make all the difference in the world, I just know it, and they'll be forced to bring her back! 

2. Location, location, location: So, the Airport Road is just so blasé these days. I mean just about everyone is choosing to throw their protest there. But please, I am so not a copycat. I am a total original (just ask the salesperson at H&M, who swore to me that no one else in the world bought the same clothes I did). So, I was thinking, where oh where should I choose? Then it came to me... like a bolt of lightening from the cloud of originality: block off any and all electronic/appliance stores that sell TVs so that people can no longer watch Grey's Anatomy. Brilliant, I know. That'll show those Hollywood bigheads. They will really feel the burn from way out here... in Lebanon... a country that is probably one of the most important in terms of global viewership. 

3. Decorations: Well, you really can't go wrong with burning tires and trash bins. I will not stoop so low as to buy the cheapito ones, though. I'm ready to go all out. I'm talking about either Goodyear or Micheline, people. That's right, the good stuff. I'm a classy dame and imagine the horror if, by some chance, a tire rolls over to some fashionable protestor and they happen to see 'Made in Taiwan' stamped on it. OMG! The shame, the shame. It'll be almost as bad as being caught with a fake Prada! As for the trash bins, you know what they say: 'if it ain't broke don't fix it,' so, I'll be sticking with the big green ones.

4. Party favors: Who doesn't like an old fashioned burning stick? It's the perfect way to say, thank you for coming to our protest and visiting our road block. Such a useful and thoughtful giveaway will also attract more people to my oh-so-worthy cause and send a clear message to TV producers around the world who are thinking of taking out any more of my favorite characters (yes, I'm talking to you HBO and the writers at Game of Thrones). And let's face it, party favors can either make or break a party, so make sure yours are made from the finest wood. If you're on a budget, stones are an adequate substitute - they last longer, but are not as pretty. Plus, you can't set them on fire. But beggars can't be choosers. Just make sure that your guests don't go home empty handed. Anjad a3yb.

5. Attire: Protests should always be dress casual. There are no exceptions to this rule, because basically things can get messy (in a good way!). Some people like to accessorize with a ski mask, but in my opinion that only makes the protestor look like a criminal, or someone who doesn't want to be recognized because they are doing something bad. But what could possibly be shameful about protesting over the loss of our dearly beloved Lexie Grey?!? Why do you need a mask when you are out there for such a good cause that is so meaningful and helpful to Lebanon? Exactly.

6. Food: So, the great thing about such a gathering is that you are not required to offer any food at all. Isn't that great? People are going to be so busy, what with all the tire burning and making sure that people can't get through the roadblock, that they're not going to have any time to stuff their faces with munchies, no matter how yummy. If you want to be a super host/hostess, you could provide water, which will go over nicely especially in the summer. But I recommend a simple BYOB, because at this point, you've done enough, so let the guests be in charge of their own hydration. 

That's about all I can tell you, folks. If you need any more helpful hints, just ask any one of our awesome political parties - I'm sure they'd be more than glad to help you out, because they are the experts after all!!