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Monday, May 10, 2010

Tales from the Ladies, Part III: Unibrow Ape Man

And now we come to the third and final installment of Tales from the Ladies, with this letter from the delightful Pixie Minxie, who was traumatized after a particularly horrific evening with Unibrow Ape Man. This one's a doozy, readers. Poor Pixie - who knew guys could be this bad?!?

Dear Anissa,

It all started when this guy, Unibrow Ape Man, asked me out for a coffee. I agreed so he then asked if I wanted to meet up with him or have him pick me up. I told him I’d meet him, but he insisted on getting me (why did he offer if he had already made up his mind?). Anyway, my house is on the left side of the street and when he picked me up, he pulled over on the right. As I was walking down the stairs to the street, I saw his ugly ass still sitting in the car. I had to wait for cars to pass before I was able to cross the street. When I did, he was still sitting in the car.

I have to mention that I don’t really know this guy and had only met him once before, so I couldn’t believe that he didn’t get out of the car to greet me. Anyway, I opened the car door and sat down and he didn’t even shake my hand! He had his right hand on the wheel and the left hand outside the window and asked, “Hi, how are you?” I answered fine, but I was so pissed that he didn’t get out of the car to greet me properly. WALAW?

We drove to a restaurant in Gemayze, which was my idea because he didn’t bother to make any plans for our first date. I ordered a tea and he ordered coffee and dessert. The WHOLE time he was telling me how great he was because he was almost done with his residency to be a doctor. Then he went on and on about how all the girls who ‘know’ of him only want to meet him to get married because he’s a doctor. As he was shoving his dessert in his mouth, he kept telling me how delicious it was. Did he offer me a taste? Of course not! He just kept telling me how amazing it was and how amazing HE was.

To add to my misery, he went on to tell me that he doesn’t want to marry me. I was pretty sure I never asked him to, so I kind of laughed thinking he was kidding. He told me he was serious and that just because I was the same religion as him, and he was a DOCTOR, he wasn’t ready to settle down. I told him that was completely fine with me and I had no intentions of getting married to him either. At this point, I was completely over the whole date and wanted to leave just to go home and make fun of him. After he paid the bill, I thanked him, and as I was putting my cell in my purse, he was already out the door! The waiter felt bad for me I guess and stuck around to say bye and walk me out the door.

When we got in the car he started telling me that he really liked me and I was really pretty and then told me he had a girlfriend. Of course, upon hearing that, I couldn’t be polite and quiet anymore. I looked at him like the pathetic loser he was and asked him why he bothered to take me out. He told me that he wanted to get to know me better and not pass up a good opportunity but he didn’t wanna get married. At this point, I'd had enough. I bluntly told him that being a doctor isn’t so wow considering I have a family FULL of them. I then went on to tell him that he shouldn’t flatter himself when girls ‘of his religion’ give him the time of day because it doesn’t mean they want to get married. Not every Lebanese girl above the age of 25 is desperate to get married for God’s sake!

I then told him that I sure as hell didn’t see him and think I was going to marry him because A) he’s ugly with a unibrow that’s makes a complete circle around his big head; B) he has NO manners and C) he’s a complete APE! As if!!

When we were approaching my house (yeah I’m not done yet), I started to rummage through my purse to get my keys out because I wanted to get the hell out of the car. He passed my building and kept driving, so I asked him what he was doing. He said he wanted to cruise a bit because he was ‘enjoying’ my company. Ugh! He asked me if I minded and I said yes! What was the point of talking to him? The date was over and we had nothing in common.

Now here’s the funniest part. As we are cruising around Beirut, he tells me that after he drops me off, we will never talk again because we will never be friends! I started laughing, truly laughing. Without me even asking why, he told me that he can’t be friends because I was the same religion as him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said that was fine with me and not being friends sounded great! He then tried to explain himself with reasons that I didn’t even pay attention to. I was literally looking outside the window at the people smoking argilli on the manara wishing I was with them rather than in the car with this jerk.

After over an hour of driving around and wanting to kill myself, I asked to go home. Of course, he parked on the right side of the road and didn’t bother to move his nasty ass from the car. Handshake? Nope! I got out of the car and traffic was a bit heavy, so I had to stand out there till the traffic lessened. What was about 20 seconds waiting to cross felt like a fraking hour! I crossed the road finally and started walking up the stairs of my building and as I looked behind to see if Unibrow Ape Man was still there, I saw that he had already driven off!!

I was so disgusted I came home and made fun of him to allllll the people I know. That was BY FAR the worst, most torturous date EVER!

Ahhh dear, Minxie, don't fret! Who knows, maybe someone will call animal control and get this ape back in the zoo where he most definitely belongs!!

And now that our tales are over, I'll see you next time, when the Blog that No One reads returns to its old, delicious ways. Until then, you know you love me, XOXO, Blogger Girl!

13 comments:

  1. ITs a shame that some men think just because they have an acronym besides their name they can be so retarded with women. Doctors are dime a dozen Ape man. Get over yourself or better yet go to Naemaan i hear they can help out with monobrows!

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  2. You are such a beautiful writer Anissa!!! Oh, and your writing ain't bad either! -Todd

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  3. Can't you tell one positive story about us?? -All the Men in the World

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  4. Thank you Todd!

    Dear Men of the World, I know you're not all bad, but those are the experiences my readers and I have had, unfortunately. But send me your stories and I will print them, seriously! This is not an anti-guy blog! Good guys rock, and we love them :)

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  5. I laughed and cried at the same time. It's such a shame that some men can be so thoughtless and think they are God's gift to women. The worst was ape man. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!! get over yourself already.

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  6. That's Dr. Jerk to you!! - Unibrow Boy

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  7. Here you go mini dixie...
    1) you know the the man that couldn't afford a pair of shoes thanked god when he saw a man without legs....well look at the bright side, at least he didnt grope you or try to kiss you during that hour drive! You have to give hom some creds for that.
    2)My advise, and Anissa will attest to my expertise in the field of dating, next time you decide to go out on a date, ask yourself the following questions:
    Do ithink i'l be comfortable with him?
    -Do i think he will make me laugh or be fun at least?
    -Do i think appreciate me giving him the time of day?
    -Is he someoene (instinctively speaking) that I can see myself with?

    Basicaly your gut feeling/inner instinct should be able to guide you next time. - Mr. HJNIY

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  8. Anissa....looks like I am going to have to turn this "bad situation" into a "good situation"....I just hope you and Nadya can handle me at the same time!! - The Situation

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  9. Sorry, The Situation, I don't watch 'Jersey Shore'!!! Yes, I do have some taste!

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  10. You have "taste"?! Don't you be bustin' on my boy Situation!!! At least he doesn't drive a moped and can keep the saliva in his mouth when he speaks!! -Pauly D

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  11. Anissa. When is ur next blog. Cant wait. An interesting topic would be pro bono piece suporting my cousin Isac in the upcoming elections. I can speak on his behalf.

    He's a strong advocate of sustainable energy and strong supporter of the environment. once elected (no kidding) he;s gona cut the eletcrity from the village permanently and all cable / phone lines. So please hury while we still have access to the outside world to read your blog - Mr. HJNIY

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  12. All these men sound fine to me!! -Wedding DJ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZP4Ugev82I

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  13. Hilarious. My advice is not to date men you think are ugly!

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