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Monday, January 4, 2010

Faux Frenchies (and other losers)

So, I was having dinner the other night when I was accosted by this hideous wannabe Frenchie loser, who thought her ridiculous accent made her sound more intelligent and of a higher class. Whatever! Not even her stupid accent could mask her blatant stupidity, and as for her class, let's just say my New Year's Eve dates have more of it in their furry paws. I won't go into detail about what we were arguing about, but let's just say that she's an idiot and even Paris Hilton has more brain cells than her. Anyway, as always, I digress.... Getting back to topic, what is with these idiots who think that speaking with a put on accent is actually cool? I have to admit, the Faux Frenchies get on my nerves more than anyone else, although there are also wannabe Americans and Brits that are nearly as irritating, but we'll get to them later.

Okay, a typical Faux Frenchie will come up to you in their Frenchie coucou manner, all pretentious and nauseating with their dumbass accents that they probably worked harder on than graduating high school (if they even managed that), and a conversation will generally go something like this:

Faux Frenchie: Bonsoir!
Normal Lebanese Person: Hi.
FF: Frenchie frenchie coucou nonsense in French.
NLP: Sorry, I don't speak French. Only Arabic and English please.
FF: Oh mon Dieu (face in disgust) no French?? Quelle catastrophe! Yuck, Arabic is only for peasants, but if I must lower myself ... [Begins to speak Arabic with French accent].
NLP: Uhm, you know you're not French right?
FF: Yes, and I've never even been to France, but I must roll my 'r's anyway, because it is very clah.
NLP: Moron.
FF: Mais ouis!

People who've flown over the UK or had a layover in the US and come back to Lebanon and act as if they don't know how to speak Arabic anymore aren't much better. But in order of most annoying, let's go through a typical conversation with a Faux Brit.

Faux Brit: G'day mate.
Normal Lebanese Person: Uhm, you know that's Australian.
FB: Oh yeah, easy mistake, though, ainnet [i.e., isn't it]?
NLP: Only if you're mentally challenged.
FB: Hey, I really am British, you know …. Look, I can say, bloody hell!
NLP: You’re bloody annoying.
FB: Wicked!

And now we come to American wannabes, who have accents so bad, hearing them is like listening to fingernails on blackboards – i.e. excruciating.

Faux American: Hey, like oh my God, I am like soooooo American, and just to prove it to you, I’m so going to talk like this the whole time even though I was only in the US for like five minutes. Awesome. Dude.
Normal Lebanese Person: Did you just say, ‘Dude?’
FA: Totally, dude. I totally said ‘dude,’ dude. Like you know, right? Whatever rocks your boat, man.
NLP: I actually don’t know. Is there a conversation going on here?
FA: Oh my God, are you serious? Are you like totally clueless or something?
NLP: [No comment, stares incomprehensibly at babbling idiot with limited vocabulary who inexplicably keeps saying ‘dude.’]
FA: Duuuuude!


  1. Hahahahahahaha, this is so funny....

  2. If I spoke like the American, would you still date me, dude? -George Clooney