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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Blind Date-a-logues

The other night I was super busy when I got a phone call from MadGlam, who suggested we go get a bite to eat. So, I put down my brush and turned off my iPod (no, I was not singing along to Taylor Swift's 'You Belong With Me' in the mirror!) and got ready. We arrived to our favorite haunt and ran into Mr. Borrring (because he is in a constant state of boredom) and started exchanging dating horror stories. As the queen of the worst blind dates ever, MadGlam suggested I blog about the worst ones. So here it goes, the worst three in no particular order.

The Spitter
I guess the title speaks for itself, but this is how the story goes: my mom gets a phone call from a friend who knows a guy - a doctor no less! - from a good family blah blah blah, and she thinks he'd be perfect for me. I beg mom to say that I'm seeing someone, or leaving the country or even that I'm gay, but just get me out of it. Long story short, she guilts me into meeting the dude, because 'you never know' (except that I DO KNOW and I'm always right). So, the guy calls and we set a 'date' at a cafe in Beirut. I remember arriving and seeing a few guys at the cafe - all completely unattractive - and notice one is particularly not good looking and pray, just pray over and over again that it is any guy, even the 50 year old balding one, but not that guy. Of course, it's that guy. Anyway, I order a sparkling water because that was the quickest thing I could down. The guy was nice enough but just not for me because ... well, he just spat all over the place. When some landed in my water I thought I was going to puke and knew I had to get out of there right away. So, for the first time on a blind date I lied to make a fast escape. I told him I was madly in love with someone else and that I'm sorry I wasted his time. So of course he asked me why I bothered to meet him, and I said because my parents didn't approve of the guy. And the next logical question was why they didn't approve. And because I'm the WORST liar on the planet and a big fat idiot, I said the first thing that popped into my head, which for any logical person would've been because we're different religions. But nooooo, Anissa the moron did not say that. I said it was because... we were cousins! I still don't know what the hell I was thinking. All the excess saliva threw me off my game and somehow affected my brainwaves. I'm not normally so stupid, but that's what a lot of spit flying at you will do to a person.

The One that Never Was
Okay, so technically this was not a blind date because the guy was so awful over the phone, that I didn't even meet him. It began with the same spiel - a relative calls saying she knows a guy who is this and that and we should definitely meet. Me being the eternal idiot agrees yet again. So that same day I get a phone call from this guy. First, he calls me Alyssa, so I correct him and say, 'Actually my name is Anissa.' To which he replies, 'What kind of name is that?' Nice! Who calls up a girl and doesn't even get her name right?? And then, when he does hear her actual name makes fun of it?? A total moron, that's who. Anyway, he was insistent on meeting that very night, more proof that he was loser, and I told him I was only free at the end of the week. Then he proceeded to go through EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK to see if I was free, and again I repeated I was only free at the END OF THE WEEK. Finally, he got the message, and we agreed on a Friday. I have to add that he giggled every time he said the word 'date' like he was five or something. For the next few days all I could think of was how to get out of this date without offending my aunt who set the whole thing up. I decided I would bite the bullet and just do it. One hour, how bad could it be, right? On Friday morning he calls, and asks how I am. I say I'm fine. Then he says, "I'm just calling to confirm our date, hee hee hee hee." He had the most annoying giggle you can imagine and at that point I knew I just could not go through with it, so I said, “Well you know actually I'm not fine at all. I'm afraid we're going to have to postpone." I prayed he got the message. Well, a week passed and he never called back so I thought my prayers were answered, until one Saturday I got a phone call from a strange number. I pick up and ... it's the guy's sister calling to yell at me for not going out with her brother! I was in total shock. I don't like to call guys that I didn't get along with losers, but please, this guy totally was. I mean, his sister?? Come on. And she was yelling at me, "Are you going to go out with my brother, YES OR NO, ANSWER ME, YES OR NO!" Oh yeah, that made her brother more appealing! I told her to mind her own business and if her brother wanted to ask me something, let him pick up the phone and ask me himself. Thank the heavens above he never did!

Moped Guy
Mr. Borrring got a kick out of this story the most. It all started with yet another relative telling me that I should meet this great guy she knows. And because I never learn, I agreed ... again. We decide to meet up at this car show that was going on at the time, because I was covering it for the magazine I was working for (why the editor chose me to cover a car expo I have no idea). Anyway, I thought I would kill two birds with one stone, do the story and meet the guy in the same hour. So, the guy was nice enough, but not for me. We go through the expo and he's explaining car stuff to me, but my mind is totally switched off because to me car = engine + four wheels. At the end of the expo, we exchange pleasant goodbyes and walk out together. I asked him if he parked his car or gave it to the valet and he said he had his own ride. So, as I was waiting for my car from the valet, I see him walk over to a tiny moped driven by another guy, hop on the back put his arms around the other guy and go off ... on a moped ... on the back of a moped ... with another guy driving. Enough said.

And there you have it. The worst blind dates ever. I don't know what it is about me that makes people want to set me up with the worst possible matches, but that's what ALWAYS happens, so now I am forever sworn off blind dates. For real!

But all my experience has allowed me to decipher the deceiving blind date code that people use to coax you into going on blind dates:

1. He's good looking translates into he's a troll but I'm lying so you'll meet him anyway.
2. He's a doctor - He's a troll with a fancy degree
3. He's from a good family - His dad is not an ex-con and his mom is not a reformed prostitute but guess what? HE'S STILL A TROLL!

So, you've been warned. The next time someone wants to set you up, take it from me and ... just ... say!


  1. Hysterical yet again! I too have had horrible blind date experiences and am with you sista on the just say no! Take matters in your own hands, screen the men yourself and try online dating...At least you can decide if the guy is a troll or not without having to endure spit, a psycho sister or a weirdo on a moped! :)

  2. I don't know which is funnier this one or the porn and the blowfish. I laughed till I cried. You make sickness sound so funny. As to the blind dates I must apologize for making you go through all of this. I promise you no more.But if i didn't, you wouldn't have this funny story to write about.

  3. Hilarious. Your next book should be titled" How to excape blind dates or dates from hell" I trust you are an expert by now!

  4. Do you have "Country n' Western" bars in Beirut?? They're a great place to meet men . . . check out the guy I met last weekend:

    -Jan Terry

  5. I would like to take you on a "See Date"....interested?

    -George Clooney

  6. Thanks all, and George, you don't even have to ask ;) !!

  7. Poor thing . . . you've never been 'Blazed':-( I guess I am going to have make a trip to Lebanon to show those boys how it's done:

    - Blazin Hazen