Porn and the Blowfish

This week has been an absolute disaster on so many fronts that I think they've named a new condition just for me, Crazy Bitch Syndrome. Well, I don't know how well any of you would do after contracting chronic sinusitis and being quarantined at home for over a week with no contact to the outside world, which I guess wasn't such a bad idea considering that the medication I have to take has made my face puff up to Fat Albert proportions. Actually, when I got my diagnosis and treatment plan, I really did handle it with grace. I thought, I'll take this time to just read and watch TV, I mean I'm kind of a homebody anyway, so how bad could bed rest for a while really be?

Things started out ok until ... the cable went out and I absolutely FREAKED! Apparently these two cable companies that I happen to subscribe to decided to merge just when I was not allowed to leave the house and all my favorite channels were like gone! They had to reconfigure the signals or whatever and until then it was like I was lost at sea with no raft. So, I called my dad and made him get the freaking cable guy come over right away and talk to him because I just can't yell effectively in Arabic. The cable guy came over pretty promptly and I gave my dad strict instructions on what channels he better bring back or I would kick some serious ass (even in my weakened state, TV withdrawal brings out the Hulk in me). I did not personally meet with the cable guy because vanity is a beast and hello, did I not mention the hideous swollen guppy face that made me look like I could be an extra in a horror movie without the need of special effects?

After a while, dad comes to my room and asks me to check my channels and make sure they're all back. So I flick through and I notice that three of my favorite movie channels are missing and I go ballistic. So my poor dad goes back to talk to the cable guy and tells him to bring back those particular channels. Then dad comes back to my room and explains that they've changed things around now and those channels are now part of a different package and cost more money. Okay, you have to imagine my situation: I'm off caffeine because of my meds, my face is literally space alien scary, my hair is crazy and I'm wearing granny sweats as I storm into the TV room and start ripping into this cable guy, who is like a 16 year old kid. Vanity be damned! I wanted my TV damn it!

I tell him in my ranting Arabic that I've been his client for a hundred years and if he thinks he's going to charge me more for the same channels I was getting before then ... yeah well, I couldn't think of anything threatening enough to say at that moment, but I think my hideous appearance frightened him enough. So he said I had to call his boss, and I was all like, fine, I'll call your damn boss and turned to dad and told him to call the boss, which he did (my poor dad!). He told the guy, "My daughter wants these channels and you better give her these channels and we're not paying you a dime more." So the boss guy didn't want to upset my dad, who is a very loyal customer and tells the kid to give me my channels. The kid gives me this really strange look, like he's embarrassed for me or something, and I figure it's just because I look so stunning in my chronic sinusitis attire. Then he very weirdly asks my dad and I to leave the room. At that point, I was just like 'WHATEVER! Just get it done,' and stomped out all huffy and puffy.

A few minutes later, dad comes in and says that the kid left and that I should check if I got my channels. So, I flick through my TV and I see my three movie channels and I'm happy for about three seconds and then my jaw literally drops. I was totally stunned, shocked when I saw ... SIX HARD CORE PORN CHANNELS. Oh ... my ... God. I don't think I've ever been so mortified. I mean, I was screaming at this poor kid demanding these channels, and the whole time he was obviously convinced that I wanted FREE PORN! Oh ... my ... God! And that's why he asked us to leave the room, because he was too embarrassed to download them in front of us!

So, this kid is thinking two things: 1) I'm a pervert addicted to porn with a dad who is okay with that; or 2) my swollen face is as good as it gets for me and that's the closet thing to a social life I'll ever get! Oh ... my ... God! What followed next was a very embarrassed phone call from dad to the cable boss guy, explaining that I only wanted the non-porn movie channels (honestly!) and to please send the - probably now disgusted and horrified - kid back to remove the porn. Yeah, recouping from chronic sinusitis was fun.

Anyway, my quarantine comes to an end this week, and although the porn is gone (honestly!), I've still got that sexy blowfish look going, but if you happen to see me, tell me I look pretty anyway and I'll buy you a beer :)